


Don't you worry, child

by winterbitch (WinterLadyy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, BAMF Alec Lightwood, Brother-Sister Relationships, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Good Sibling Alec Lightwood, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, It's Pretty Violent, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Post 2x17, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Alec Lightwood, Psychological Trauma, Sad Magnus, Temporary Character Death, competent Alec, graphic description of death, lots of angel stuff, various angels and made up stuff, wise Luke Garroway
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:40:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterLadyy/pseuds/winterbitch
Summary: He was probably the first Shadowhunter, after Jonathan to see an Angel and talk to him. Somehow, it didn't matter all that much to Alec, as he was already dead. However, it seemed that they weren't ready to let him go just yet.Heaven has a plan for you, Alexander Lightwood.Amazing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Retaliation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11615379) by [lightherons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightherons/pseuds/lightherons). 



> It is my own continuation of eHollowed amazing work, that inspired me to write something and even publish it. This is my first work in the fandom and my first work to be posted online. I send a massive thanks to eHollowed for allowing me to write and post it here. Go and read theri story, it's amazing and gives a good base for my own fic.

All he could remember was regret, fear and pain, a lot of pain, so overwhelming and spreading that he Alec could not help but scream, even though he had wanted to keep his pride. Yes, he did regret lying to Magnus but also he didn't, it had stopped the war, even for a while. After his death though, things were about to change. He wasn't exactly sure /why/ he was able to think about it all, Shadowhunter library was rather cryptic about death, what happened to them after it, if Heaven was for them too, or only for Angels. Alec couldn't feel anything, his body somewhat paralised but mind working, even though his eyes didn't see anything.

Suddenly, there was a presence, his instincts screaming, body aching to move, reach for his arrow or just a blade. Then, something warm washed over him and the panic abated, security and calmness settling over him like a blanket.

_Fear not, young Nephilim._

Suprisingly, Alec didn't panic, the voice reminding him of the Silent Brothers, only /greater/ somehow, not so intense and violating. He tried opening his eyes, and found himself in the training room of the Institute. It was wrong somehow, the silence hurting his ears, the great walls empty and dead.

„Move me out of here,” he demanded, voice polite and calm but sure. It just wasn't right, the view taunting him, reminding Alec that it wasn't his world anymore. That he couldn't do anything anymore, couldn't protect his people, protect Magnus.

_Very well._

Everything changed and they were standing on the Great Wall of China, their surroundings devoid of any other life. The Angel was there and not there at the same time, a man with great wings full of eyes, tracing his every move yet still as a statue. It was a very unsettling feeling, standing next to him.

„What should I call you?” Alec asked, the respect he had paid the Angels his whole life abating a bit. Yes, the being next to him was that of extraordinary strenght, but he was dead anyway, useless.

It was the worst part of being dead, the helplesness and uselesness in the conflict, everyone Alec loved alone without him, the Institute without the Head, probably already going back to the old ways. He wanted to make a change, steer things in the right direction, show the Shadow World that they could evolve for better.

_I am Seraphiel, Prince of Heaven. I shall guide you through your journey, Nephilim, accompanied by my brother._

Seraphiel was full of light and fire, even though Alec couldn't see the actual flames. The whole experience was otherwordly, beyond his comprehension, yet touching his very soul. Alec had read about this particular Angel, one often overlooked by both mundanes and Shadowhunters. The leader of seraphim choir, the one closest to the God, full of passion and love, decribed by the Silent Brothers as „archangel that inspires people to become inflated with passion and purpose, pure love and compassion”.

„My journey?” the archer asked, unsure of what to feel. Was he about to be punished for his actions, finally led in front of the jury?

_The Heaven has a plan for you, Alexander Lightwood._

 

* * *

 

 

 

The feeling that it had been a wrong choice stayed with Magnus the whole way to the Institute, although he wasn;t sure why he was going there. They didn't know that Alec had /dissapeared/, they didn't even know that they had argued, maybe aside from Jace. Magnus felt as if his anger was justified, it /was/ justified, Alec had lied to him, after everything the warlock had told him. After all of their deep conversations, tears, vulnerabilities, his boyfriend still had chosen his kind, the Clave that forced him to almost hate himself, to hide who he was. It wasn't right and it hurt Magnus deeply.

The warlock sighed as he entered the Institute, almost instantly meeting Izyy, who was looking quite ruffled, tired and sad. Worry spiked in his chest, the blood making his heart beat faster.

"Magnus!” she shouted at him, worried eyes settling on him. “Have you seen Alec? I know you two had talked, he was supposed to finally tell you about the Sword... He's always thinking of others first, I hope you told him to stop doing that...” Isabelle trailed of as she saw his face. “

What are you talking about?” Magnus asked in a whisper, something cold starting to settle in his stomach. Alec's sister looked at him surprised.

“I mean, lying to you so that you wouldn't have to lie to your own people, your children, is such an Alec thing to do, right?” she shook her had in disapproval but a fond smile pulled at her lips. It was clear that Izzy admired her brother very much, and when her words finally hit home, Magnus felt his kness wobbling.

“What?” he croacked out, unsure what to say. Yes, he hadn't let Alec explain, he had been so hurt and angry... But it was Alexander, his Alexander who made some mistakes but always wanted the best for everyone, the protector of people to the bone.

The floor started to vanish under his legs, so Magnus propped himself up the wall, breathing quickening. The pieces fit just right, his amazing boyfriend suprising him as always, only in that case it was too late. Too late, because he had been too angry to let him talk. He was over 400 years old, with so much experience, how could have he made such a rookie mistake?

Suddenly, there was a sickening scream, the voice carrying over the Institute, both of them recognising Jace. Isabelle darted towards his room, Magnus somehow after her, even though his world was coming down in pieces. The blond Shadowhunter was on his knees, tears running down his face as he clutched his stomach, awful cries leaving his lips. Isabelle fell into the ground next to him, trying to figure out what was happening, but Magnus already knew. It was the parabatai bond being broken, Jace's soul's other half being ripped away, leaving only cold emptiness and searing pain. He had seen that before.

This time though, it was his Alexander being ripped away from them, from Jace, and it was all his fault. Yes, the Queen was the one to kill him, but he had let her, he had fell for her manipulation, easily as a naïve child, as if it wasn't about the love of his life. His Alexander, who had went against his whole world for him, only Magnus had been too blind to actually see it, see how risky it had been.

Somehow, Magnus found himself on the floor, back to the door, Jace's cries only intensifying the quilt already boiling in his stomach, making his heart hurt. It was his fault, he had been the one to take Alec away, too soon, way too soon. In the end, he himself was the one to make his biggest fear come true. Oh, the irony.

“Magnus!” Izzy's scream once again tore him from his thoughts and his attention snapped to the hurting Shadowhunter.

Quickly, the warlock moved to the siblings, magic sprouting from his fingers, trying to ease the pain. Yet, the broken bond attacked the magic, the ancient power more powerful than him, angelic breath in the form of two parabatai. Magnus tried harder, even though he knew it wouldn't work, the pain and enegry was too great to contain.

Jace screamed again and then fell silent, scaring them both. He was staring blankly into the wall, eyes empty and traumatised, the gaze of someone who had been through a war and came out alive. Metaphorically speaking, that was what had happened, Jace's soul fighting in a war that could not be won, Alec's life force fading away. He had seen that happen, but he did not expect how much it would hurt, to be a reluctant friend of one of such parabatai. With gentle hands, Manus moved Jace to a bed, being careful not to touch his side, knowing that the rune had turned into a nasty scar, Alec's whole being turned into a scar tissue on Jace's body. A reminder of his failure, even if it wasn't the blond's fault. He had seen it happen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People wanted more so I decided to post it. Hope you like it.  
> English is not my mother language and I don't have a beta, so all mistakes are mine.

Magnus firmly steered Isabelle out of the room, as Jace wasn't about to wake up anytime soon. She looked even paler than before, worry lines deepening under her eyes, that darkened with sadness. The warlock could see it all, but the overwhelming guilt made it hard to feel anything else, Alec's screams echoing in his head, making him feel sick. Magnus almost couldn't believe, that he was the one to cause them. Maybe not directly, but his fault in the whole orderal was as clear as water.

He sighed and closed his eyes, letting his back meet the nearest wall, Izzy right next to him. The whole situation was a giant mess, especially since the Clave was bound to hind out about Alec's death and Seelie Queen wasn't one to wait. Magnus barely stopped himself from running a hand through his hair and messing it up, but exhaustion was creeping up his bones.

"What happened to Jace, Magnus?" Isabelle asked finally, voice heavy and empty. The warlock was about to deny knowing anything, but there was no point in lying. The truth would come out anyway.

"His parabatai died," he answered curtly, the words almost hurting on they way out. Magnus tried forcing himself to see it as another case, just a nameless Shadowhunter who died young, as did a lot of them. Yet, he couldn't, not with Alexander fresh in his mind, with that charming smile and soft eyes, so full of love and adoration. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think. All in vain.

"Alec?" came a whisper from Isabelle, who looked as if her whole world had just been destroyed, even though her eyes were dry.

The warlock forced himself to keep looking at her, accepting it as a punishment for his actions, something he definitely deserved. He wasn't exactly sure how to tell her, how to make her listen to the end, not that the end was any better than the beggining, where they couldn't communicate. Where he couldn't listen to what his boyfriend had tried to say. The beggining was just as bad as the end, and probably even more sad to listen to.

"It was the breaking of parabatai that we just witnessed," Magnus said, trying to be gentle but clear, as not to talk her inot a shock. "I have seen it happen, it's always extremely painful for the remaining parabatai, and for anyone to witness. I'm sorry."

He was helpless, as she sat down and hid her face in her hands, shoulders shaking in sobs, yet he could tell she didn't shed a tear. Not yet.

"When? Why? It's... He's been here a second ago, I swear," she whimpered, eyes lost, clearly trying to find herself in the situation.

Magnus wanted to offer her comfort, hug Isabelle close and let her sob, but it would be cruel to make her break down next to her brother's killer. Because that was what he was, a killer, the one who gave the Seelie Queen her victim, her sacrifice. She had been the one to murder him, but Magnus felt as if he uttered the kill order. On Alexander, his sweet, selfless Alexander...

The warlock closed his eyes in despair and took an unsteady breath, desperately trying to calm himself enough not to cry. It wasn't the time or place for such action. He looked at Izzy, her usually imposing form shrunk down to shaky breaths and quiet muttering in Spanish. It was painful to witness but the knowledge, that he was the one to cause it, hurt even more.

"It was... It was Seelie Queen," Magnus said quietly, ready to tell her the truth. After all, it had been lies, that led them to that situation. He continued, seeing her questioning gaze. "She decided to start a war against the Clave, because they lied about the Sword. He was supposed to be the start of it."

He remebered the way she had looked, sitting on her throne, a cruel smirk firm on her lips, as if she knew a joke, noone else was aware of. Magnus sighed again, he had been so stupid and naive, blind in his anger and he had missed all clues. They almost screamed of deception, of another goal. The Queen was manipulative and cruel, not an ounce of humanity left in her cold heart. And he had been too angry to see, that she had just wanted a war.

"She forced Alexander to drink from her garden, and you're aware what happens to those who do it," he continued, wanting to give Isabelle asmuch as he could. She deserved the truth, all of it, even his role in the whole mess.

"Why did he came to her?" she asked in hoarse whisper, disbelief heavy in her voice. It wasn't like Alec to just leave the Institute during such a difficult time, beacuse the Queen requested his presence.

Magnus took a deep breath and steeled himself for Isabelle's reaction, knowing it was bound to be violent. Rightfully so.

"I asked him to."

Silence fell after his words, so tense and full of questions, that they were both too afraid to ask.

"You gave them Alec?"

In his four centuries of living, Magnus had never heard such a heartbreaking question, the tone making it much more significant. The answer broke his heart even more, because he did. He actually gave the love of his life to the Fae's, without a second thought. Just like that, like he meant nothing, like their argument had removed all good memories and feelings. Magnus felt a sob tear though his chest, as tears welled up in his eyes.

"Yes," he choked out, the word heavy and painful.

Magnus could hear Isabelle's gasp and this time he couldn't stop the tears from falling down his cheeks, makeup be damned. It was his biggest mistake, one he could not make up for, because he couldn't bring people back from death. It was final, his Alexander was dead, all beause of him and his damned anger. His head hit the wall behind him with a hard thud but Magnus didn't register the pain, too absorbed in his guilt and pain. Oh, how he wished it was just a nighmare, where he could wake up to a worried Alec and his warm hugs. All they had left though, was cold loss and emptiness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Alec had to stop himself from giving the Angel a snarky response; Magnus really affected his bahaviour. but he couldn't find it in himself to be angry about it. With a deep breath, the Shadowhunter nodded and waited for Seraphiel to continue. He suspected that he wasn't in for an easy job, not with the Angels literally giving him the instructions, yet when was his life easy? Certainly not when he had kissed a male warlock on his wedding day or forced the Clave to let him attend meetings with Downworlders. What was another weird, unnatural thing to happen to him.

_We shall not let the world drown in wars, young Nephilim, you need to stand united against the evil forces. Your death was an unfortunate, yet not a fatal blow to your plan, therefore you shall go back and fight for the right way._

Alec was rendered speechless, frozen in place, eyes firmly on the Angel. Him? The one chosen to make things right? After all of his mistakes and wrong choices, his prejudiced thinking? It sounded crazy, yet he didn't dare tell Seraphiel that.

"Why me?" he asked finally, voice suprisingly strong and calm. Alec knew he was good under pressure but this went behind anything he knew, he felt out of his depth.

_You are all that we looked for in Nephilim for years. Your kind has been tarnished by greed, thinking of themselves as kings instead of servants, soldiers. You are different, Alexander Lightwood._

He cringed when the Angel called him by his full name, Magnus coming to his mind, the warlock was the only one allowed to call him that. But who he was, to tell the Archangel that he couldn't do something? Alec swallowed the painful memoriess of his lover and focused on the conversation again.

"They won't listen to me, they almost never do. Besides, a war has probably already started, the Seelie Queen won't waste time," Alec voiced his worries, brow furrowing, as his mind automatically searched for a plan, before the Shadowhunter caught himself. It wasn't his work anymore.

_You shall make them listen, worry not._

With that, they travelled again, Alec stomach turning upside down. This time, they were standing on a bridge, still water all around them, only they weren't alone. Another person stood near the edge, impressive, firey wings spread. There was a long, massive sword in the man's hand, burning with fire, passionate but calm, something calculating about his aura. Alec straightened almost against himself, and a name popped into his mind.

"Archangel Michael."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm blown away by your positive response, I'm so glad people like my fanfic! Thank you.
> 
> Just for the record, I'm currently on a vacation, which is why I'm updating as often as I am. It is not a normal occurence, and once I'm back at work, it will probably be updated once a week or so.

The great wings twitched and the man turned around. Suprisingly, with Michael, Alec didn't have any troubles actually seeing him, none of that weird, otherwordly feelings he had with Seraphiel. In front of him stood a tall man, not as tall as him but close, with dark curly hair and cold, gold eyes. He would be actually quite attractive, if someone overlooked the burning aura and gigantic wings that gave him an etheral look.

Alec took a deep breath and stepped closer, back still straight and posture perfect. Michaels presence made him feel similar to when Clave officials visited, which always made him act and stand more confidently, with more self-assurance. Michael was a General, he remebered that, a soldier who did everything he could to protect God and His will, which meant there were some similarities between them.

"Hello, Alec," greeted the Archangel, his voice suprisingly normal and not in his head. "We have been waiting for you."

"I am here, then," Alec stated, unsure of how to proceed. "What do you want me to do?" The question seemed safe enough, as he didn't have a clue what he should do. He wanted to be back in the living world, helping his family, protecting them from the Seelie Queen. The longer he was there, the harder and messier the situation was getting, Alec was sure of it. The Fae's always had been very troublesome and specific, but with war already in motion, it was boud to get only worse.

_Listen and learn, young Nephilim._

Alec shuddered as Seraphiel's voice thundered through his mind, preferring Michael's method of communication.

"You are aware, that neither Nephilim, nor Downworlders can survive two wars, at the same time. It is boud to end in blood and death. We cannot allow that to happen, as it is a breaking point for the fates of all Shadow World."

Michael's voice was calm and somehow made the great words seem normal, like an order to be carried on. Alec nodded, he agreed with the Angel, they were too weak to even try and fight two wars at the same time. Seelie Queen's desire for a fight could be their end, as Valentine would have an easy victory, Shadowhunters and Downworlders exhaused and weakened by fighting each other.

"What can I do here then? I'm just a Shadowhunter, a _Lightwood_ , which means that neither Clave, nor Downworlders will be willing to listen to me," Alec stressed, forcing himself not to raise his voice.

He waited for Angels to respond, as he wasn't sure what was to be done there. Even his own boyfriend wasn't willing to listen to him, what was to be said about others? The Clave tolerated him only because of his father's blackmail, Downworlders listened to him only beacause he was a boyfriend of the High Warlock of Brooklyn... Or he had been his boyfriend.

Alec smiled, a little sad smile, as he rembered his last moments before death, Magnus eyes, and the anger. He had messed up, but it stoped a war for a while, gave them all some time to prepare... He hadn't wanted to hurt his lover, not even a little, but somwhow his actioans seemed to bring Magnus only pain. He had started to wonder, a while back, if their profesional roles didn't make it impossible, to have a good relationship.

"You shall go to the Seelie Queen and talk to her, before she starts a war," Michael explained, as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

Alec started at him for a while, not quite beliving what he had heard. Talk to a woman that had killed him, just to start a war and show Magnus that she was stronger? It was an insane idea, that would end in something very bad, and certainly wouldn't help the case.

"And how's that supposed to help, if she kills me again?" he asked finally, because it was a very probable ending. The Angels exchanged a glance and Michael walked closer, his eyes changing a bit, showing him a man, that sometimes did things that weren't exactly right, to make things better. Alec steeled himself and looked straight at the Archangel, refusing to be intimidated, at least after his death.

"You will have to find an ally, a Downwolder that shall help you convince the Queen, that war is not a good option," Michael instructed, putting presure on the right words.

So, they wanted him to get things done, no matter the way? Alec could see where they were coming from, but it just wasn't him, not after everything he'd done, to show the Downworlders that he was different, that they were changing. Yet, if he'd some support, a bit of time and maybe more power than her, it could work. The Shadowhunter was sure that they would see a reason, if conviced enough and forced to actually listen.

_You shall have power, be assured, young Nephilim._

Alec looked at Seraphiel with curiosity, as the Archangel stepped closer to him, something glowing in his hand. Then, there was a burning touch on his skin, pain penetrating straight to his bones, to his core, and everything went black once again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Magnus couldn't tell how much time had passed, but when he came back to his senses, Isabelle was gone and there were steps nearing his location. Quickly, the warlock pushed himself up and created a portal to his loft, needing to be gone from the place, where this whole mess had began. He didn't think about how much it would hurt, to be in a space that Alexander had been so often occupied.

The loft was quiet as usual, so Magnus sat down on the sofa, exhaused and hurting, still wishing to wake up from this nightmare. He forced himself to open his eyes and get up, needing to be out of this clothes, that somehow reeked of death and pain. He entered the bathroom and stopped dead in his tracks, when he noticed another toothbrush and a black t-shirt, lying on the laundry basket.

Under the shower, there was a shampoo, that cetrainly wasn't his, along with a soap and a razor, a cologne that didn't suit him, a par of plain boxer briefs. His heart began beating faster, tears welled up again and Magnus had to lean against a sink, not to fall to his knees. With trembling hands, he reached for the shirt, pressing it against his face. It smelled of Alexander, so purely him, that a sob broke free. He could remember lying in his boyfriend's arms, laughing and cuddling, inhaling his lovely scent. They had had a free day that time, just enjoying each other's presence, getting used to each other. He had felt so amazing, all warm and gathered up in his lover's strong arms, comfortable beyond belief.

That day seemed so far away, when he stood in his empty apartement, only silence as his companion. They had been so happy, their smiles still fresh in Magnus mind, hurting almost as much as Alexander's screams. He closed his eyes for a moment and just breathed, as tears run down his face. He missed his lover so much. The love of his life.

With the shirt clutched in his hand, Magnus walked into the bedroom, where the sheets were still a mess, a blade discarded under the bed, another charger on the bedside table, a book he had already read hundreads of times. The warlock forced himself to open the wardrobe, where Alexander had gotten a whole space for himself, even though he couldn't remeber when that had happened. Black jeans, old sweaters, another leather jacket, gloves...

With strained moves, Magnus removed his makeup and clothes, slipping into Alexander's too big shirt, a ratty sweater on top and stood in front of the mirror for a while. Then, he noticed an arrow on the table, and a slip of paper on top. Hesitantly, the man walked closer and picked it up.

 

_"Had to get up early, sorry._

_I'll see you asap,_

_Love, Alec"_

 

That broke him, and the High Warlock of Brooklyn fell to his knees with a hearbreaking sob, a slip of paper still clutched in his hand, and wept for his lost love, his biggest mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I apologise for what I've done, but that would be all lies.  
> Prepare for more angst, my friends.  
> Also, your comments keep me alive and smiling, keep up with that. Love you <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still blown away by your positive response, it makes me very happy, so thank you!  
> As always, all mistakes all mine, and I don't own any of the characters.

Waking up, this time, came in pieces of consciousnes, although his memories returned all at once. Groaning, Alec opened one eye, the light blinding him instantly. He cursed and closed them again, this time focusing on his whole body. He didn't hurt, but something was different, an odd hum deep in his bones, slight electricty running over his skin, something much different from burning runes. He tried moving his legs and arms and everything seemed to be under his command, so the Shadowhunter turned on his side, whatever he was lying on soft and gentle.

Finally, Alec opened his eyes, as he had a feeling that someone was watching him. He sat up, finally getting used to the brightness as the headache abated. There stood Michael, watching him like a fascinating animal in the zoo, head tilted slightly to the side. Alec raised his eyebrow at him, only the realising that there was something wrong with his back. With a deep breath he looked over his shoulder.

The wings made of fire and threads of energy shimmered, as if greeting him, even when Alec couldn't feel their weight, or pull at his muscles. That was suprising. He turned back to Michael.

"What are those?" he asked, feeling a bit stupid. Yes, they were wings, but also they weren't actually there, not physically, since he couldn't feel them.

"A manifestation of your new gifts," the Archangel answered, his tone no-nonsense, calm and hard.

Alec closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm his nerved and looked up again.

"And what are my new gifts?" he asked again, feeling a bit as if he was talking to a wall. He had a very limited knowledge on what exactly was happening, so Michael acting as if he was supposed to know it, reminded him of his parents. It wasn't a nice reminder.

"You could say we...upgraded you," Michael frowned and Alec was sure he was just quoting someone else, someone a bit less stiff.

"I'm not a Shadowhunter anymore?" Alec asked patiently, deciding to just take his time and gather some information, even if his companion wasn't very helpful with his short, cryptic answers.

_You are much more than a Nehpilim now, Alexander Lightwood._

He looked to the side, where Seraphiel was shimmering, still unable to actually see the man, even though he was right there. The eyes on his wings traced Alec's every move and he had to force himself not to shudder and hide. It felt, as if the Angel could see all of his soul and thoughts, no privacy whatsoever.

"Will that help us win against Valentine?" That was the most important question, the rest could wait. Everything came down to finding the Sword and winning the war, which would ideally start an era, where they could be more even, more willing to work together. If his new "powers" could give them advantage, bring them closer, Alec could learn how to control them, could take any pain, to help the others, protect them. It was just in his nature.

"It will surely make it slightly easier," Michael responded honestly, as he wasn't one for cheering others up, with false hope. "The only way to win this war, is to work together, Shadowhunters and Downwolrders, if another war tears you apart, it shall all be lost."

Alec breathed deeply, taking it in. Yes, he was aware of that, they couldn't even think of fighting against Valentine, while fighting each other at the sime time. They were too weak, too blinded by hate and prejudice, Valentine's forces would destroy their world. Yet, it felt as if noone waned to listen, both sides so lost in the old ways, old scars and arguments, unwilling to move forward, even at the threat of such a great enemy. It frustrated Alec to no end.

"They won't be willing to do anything to better, not with Seelie Queen starting a war and Downwolders feeling betreyed by the episode with the Soul Sword. It's almost impossible," Alec shrugged helplessly.

Sometimes, it felt as if he was the only one actually trying, the only one willing to play in the gray zones, instead of seeing the world in black and white. It was exhaustiong and lonely, everyone against him at times, not willing to see the reason, too set in their own ways. Magnus was a wonderful help, always there as his boyfried with a smile and a hug. As a High Warlock of Brooklyn hovewer, Alec felt as if he also couldn't always see the bigger picture.

_You are not alone, young Nephilim. There is a warlock willing to do anything for you, a werewolf wanting to protect his people, a vampire wanting peace and a Knight of the Seelie Queen tired of the old ways. You shall not be alone, with you parabatai and sister, who may not always be perfect but their souls are pure. Do not doubt their loyality._

Alec closed his eyes at Seraphiel words, as sometimes it felt as it was him against the world, with everyone else questioning his moves and decisions. Yet, at the end of the day, there was his wonderful Magnus, so wise with age, his parabatai, behind him like a brick wall when it mattered and of course, Isabelle, who somehow always knew what to say and what to do, even if he had to get her out of trouble more that he could count.

"They're not willing to listen," he said bitterly, his argument with Magnus fresh in his mind.

It hurt, to know that he had hurt his boyfriend so much, that he was willing to give him up to the Queen. Alec knew he had done what had to be done, his role as a Head of the Institute bidning him to do it. Their private relationship was his prority, he knew that he would let everything burn if that meant saving Magnus, making him happy, and it scared him. As a Head, he should be willing to sacrifice everything for his people, but his lover for Magnus was just too overwhelming. He smiled bitterly, not many people knew that Shadowhunters fell in love only once, for life and loved deeply, in all of their beings.

"They will. You can make them listen, Alec," Michael said firmly, eyes blazing with fire and belief, the Shadowhunter couldn't believe. He wasn't worth it.

_You underestimate youself, Alexander Lightwood._

Alec shrugged, eyes on the ground. He wasn't Jace with his bright smile and even brighter presence, or confident Isabelle whose red lips and sharp mind caught everyone's attention. He was just Alec, the quiet one, who did the right thing and got them out of trouble, something almost noone saw.

"You clearly overestimate me, but I'm in no position to argue," Alec shrugged and looked at them expectantly. "Will I be informed of my gifts, or is it for me to figure out?" he asked, hoping it wasn't the second.

He'd have enough on his mind, without mysterious wings and weird powers, as Seelie Queen had to be dealt with quickly, before a war could start. The Clave was also a problem, as everyone already had to know that he was dead, a Head of the Institute, killed by a Fae. It was an instant conflict if he ever saw one.

"You should receive a training, but do not have time, in which case..." Michael stopped and looked at the other angel. Alec shifted uncertainly, before Seraphiel appeared closer than before and touched his forehead. To his great suprise, he did not lose cosciousness, but a massive headache appeared. Even more amazing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Magnus woke up tangled in Alec's sweater, on his side of the bed, tears dried on his cheeks. He felt awful, slightly hangover after the bottle of tequilla that still laid on the ground. It was his way of coping, but drinking only made him more emortional and had led to another breakdown, his sobs loud and ugly. The warlock longed for Alec's arms around him, comfroting him, only that was impossible. And it was his fault.

He stopped himsefl from crying once again and stood up, his body aching, and heart on fire. Everything seemed dull and gray without his Alexander close, his usually colorful apartement too sad and empty, without his dressed in black Shadowhunter. It was ironic, how someone so monochromatic could bring so much color and life into the room, making it brighter with his small smile and gentle eyes.

When Magnus entered the kitchen, Alec's presence hit him over his head once again. Thee, on the counter stood a lonely, black coffee mug, a bit of black coffee inside. He didn't drink his coffe black, and that mug was too tame to be one of his, which meant that Alec had had to somehow get his mugs into his loft. How? Magnus wasn't sure, but it would have warmed his heart, if only Alec was there, to share a smile and a hug about it.

Just like the times they have made breakfast together, the Shadowhunter standing behind him, his body warm and hard, laughing into his ear about something. Magnus remebered the light falling into the room, making the runes stand up against Alec's pale skin, casting a warm glow over everything. The warlock could swear there was an echo of their laugh and kisses in the room, haunting him, worse than a ghost would.

Hastily, Magnus extied the kitchen, walking towards the bathroom to get ready, only to be hit by another wave of memories, where they bathed together, bubbles everywhere, catching in Alec's black, messy hair. The Shadowhunter's smile was so bright and happy, carefree, like the weight was taken away from his shoulders, even if only for a while. Suddenly, Magnus wished they had done something fun more often, something to make them forget about their professional lives for a while.

Shaking off the memories, the warlock got ready and created a portal to the Institute, in hurry to both check on Jace, and get out of the memory-filled loft. It wasn't that easy, as Alexander's ghost folloed him everywhere, with those heartbreaking screams.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still shocked by how many people enjoy my story but trust me, it's a good shock.  
> Thank you, all that left kudos or commented, it makes my day every time. I hope you'll like this chapter.  
> As always, all mistakes are mine.

The Shadowhunters ignored Magnus as he walked through the corridors, as if they were used to his presence and with how often he visited, it was probably true. Especially when Alec had been made a Head, the warlock found himself within the great walls quite often. Of course, it hadn't bothered him, he had been there for his boyfriend, who just had needed his help. It had been so easy back then.

Magnus took a deep breath and shoved the memories away for a while, needing to concentrate on something else. He had to check on Jace, the boy was probably going to wake up soon, still delirious and in pain, his soul in pieces. The process was always painful, especially when Jace couldn't see a body, couldn't give him a proper burial, with flames and words, making it easier for himself.

The blonde was waking up when Magnus entered the room, still clunching his stomach, sweat all over his body. He looked exhausted, even though he had slept through th evening and the night, the breaking of the bond taking its tool. The warlock came closer and gently sat on the edge of the bed, unsure what to say. Jace barely acknowledged his presence and continued staring at a wall, eyes full of pain yet empty.

"He's gone," he finally choked out, voice uncharastically quiet, for such a bright and loud Shadowhunter. It was clear that Jace was still in shock but Magnus nodded anyway.

"Yes. He had been killed yesterday," he explained hesitatnly, Yes, he wanted the blonde to know the thruth but he wasn't sure if it was the right time, as Jace was still on the edge.

"Who?" Jace asked, his voice lacking its usuall arrogance and firmness. Magnus wanted to hug the kid, but like with Isabelle, he didn't fell he deserved to do it, he was Alec's killer after all. It wasn't his place to comfort them.

"Me," Magnus answered with heavy heart, thruthfully. It was thruth in his head, he had been the one to lead Alec in front of her, the one to tell her everything, too blind in his anger.

Jace looked at him suprised, shock on his face, which suprised Magnus. He had expected anger, fury and attack, not shock and vulnerability. The Shadowhunter looked as if he couldn't belive what he was hearing, which only hurt Magnus more.

"What? That's stupid Magnus, just tell me who did this!"

There was the anger, only not directed at him, Jace was refusing to believe him, refusing to believe he could had been the one to hurt Alec. Magnus also wanted to believe he couldn't ever do it, but he could not undo the past.

"I killed him Jace, I placed the death sentence."

Silence fell after his words and Magnus looked down at his prefectly made nails, a memory of paiting them with Alexander flashing in front of his eyes. His Shadowhunter had been the one to chose the color, settling on deep purple, deciding it went well with his real eyes. Magnus let out a pained breathe and curled hands into fists.

"You love him too much for that, I know that. Magnus, tell me what happened," Jace pleaded desperately and his blind faith in Magnus' love for Alec, made him feel like an utter shit.

"Seelie Queen told me about the Soul Sword so I confronted Alexander," Magnus started, shame coloring his face slightly pink. "We argued, I went to the Queen and then brought him to the Court, where she decided he was resposible for their deaths, for all the lies," he stopped for a while, eyes on the wall, trying to get a hold of himself. "She told me to leave and forced him to drink. Then, she killed him to start a war with the Clave."

Telling the story only made it sound more stupid, more irrelevant that it actually was. So, they argued, he felt betrayed and then he let the Queen kill Alec. Pathetic. As if he wasn't an old, experienced warlock, who loved the Shadowhunter with all his heart, the one talking abit communication all the time. It was like a stupid misktake, only there was no making up for it, since Alexander was dead. Because of him, the love of his life.

Jace looked at him with blank face, not betraying any emotion, which made Magnus feel worse. The blonde was usually very expressive, telling what was on his mind without a second thought, so seeing him so quiet was disturbing.

"Why did you go to her?" Jace finally asked, still calmly and firmly, even though his voice was hoarse from screaming.

"I was hurt and angry, wasn't thinking clearly..." Magnus trailed off helplesly.

"I could feel his pain, you know, when you were arguing," came Jace's voice, even though the Shadowhunter still fefused to look at him, not that Magnus could blame him. He was, after all, responsible for his parabatai's death. "I know that you had to be hurt, but Alec feels too, he was devastated by what you said."

While it was painful to listen, he had to do it, had to see the whole thing from another perspective. Back then, it had felt as if Alexander betrayed his trust, after everything Magnus had told him, after everything they had been through. Some time passed though, and the warlock was beggining to see the other side, Alec's side of the argument, his motivations. His boyfriend hadn't been the one to just hurt a person he loved, he had always wanted the best for them, even if it hurt him. Of course he would want to spare Magnus, want to keep their intimate lives separate from their professions.

The High Warlock of Brooklyn and the Head of the NY Institute could not allow themselves moments of weakness, not a while when they were distracted, putting one live above millions. Somehow, his young Alexander had been able to see it, and act accordingly, sooner than him, over 400 years old warlock. He felt like a child, selfish and blind, unable to see the bigger picture, besides his own desires and feelings. Alexander had been doing that his whole life.

"I know that now. I would give anything to do things differently now," Magnus swore with a sad smile, tears welling up againt.

Suddenly, there was a cold hand on his shoulder, and the warlock jerked, surpised. It was Jace, eyes sad but symphatetic, wanting to help him, even though he was the one who's sould had been torn apart. Magnus looked down ashamed and closed his eyes, not wanting to break down again.

"I know," Jace stated roughly, eyes running down his own cheeks. "And I'm still angry at you and sad and I wish to scream but... You're hurting too. You loved him."

Magnus nodded, tears running free, his posture shrinking in the face of Jace's behaviour. The boy was more noble and selfless than he had believed, he could see now why Alexander had loved him so much, why he had agreed to be his parabatai. Jace had a big heart, one he was hiding all the time, under arrogance and brash behaviour, afraid to be hurt. He could relate.

"I still love him, although probably not as much as you do."

It had taken him a while, to accept that he'd have to share his Shadowhunter with another man, that part of Alec's heart already belonged to someone else. But, his lover had so much love and affection to give, he was able to live with that. Only now, though, he was able to see how much Jace loved Alec back. The time when Alec had almost died was a good clue, but it had taken loosing his angel, for him to realise so many things.

"I'd say we love him the same amount, just differently," Jace smiled sadly, in spite of the tears and despair, and Magnus felt as if he found a small haven in the storm, if only for a while.

They sat there, head bowed, hands on each other, a silent pilar of grief, both of them having lost the most important man in their lives, the Shadowhunter still clutching his side, a small omamori on the bed next to the warlock. Two different worlds united in the face of loss.

 

* * *

 

 

Alec cursed as pain pounded in his head, a stream of knowledge running though his brain, making it hard to focus. In his humble opinion, it wasn't the best way to learn, or to teach for that matter, as he only got the theory, none of practice. He did know what to do with his wings, how to hide them, what he could do with his new powers, but also he didn't, as he had never done any of that before.

"We do not have time for a proper training, I am afraid, not with the war on the horizon. It is the easiest way to teach you," Michael said, not a hint of apology in his voice.

'You call that teaching?' Alec wanted to ask, but decided to stay silent, as the headache was slowly killing his braincells. There was too much information, all at once, all of bthem transferred from a mind much greater, much more ancient than his, which only made the transition more difficult. It got the work done though, and the Shadowhunter suspected Michael was all about being practical.

"There is, hovewer, still a meeting to be held, with our sibling, who had been watching you closely for years," Michael almost smiled and their surroundings changed again, this time to an office of sorts.

It was dark in the room, the only light source were glowing jars on the counter, letting the Shadowhunter see thousands of books, mysterious markings on the walls and general chaos in the room. It did remind him of Magnus' lab, where he kept all of his magic ingredients and more dangerous spell books, a mythical aura in the chamber.

Only after few seconds, Alec saw a tall, slender figure standing over a glowing circle, delicate hands sparkling with green energy. The Shadowhunter smiled, instanlty reminded of Magnus, and one of their many evernings, spent in the lab, laughing and learning about magic. This person though, had a different air around them, pure magic and mystery, something he had never experienced before, not even with the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

"I'm Raziel, Alexander, First of Mages. It's pleasant to finally meet you in person," the person greeted him, a warm smile on their face.

Alec couldn't tell if Raziel was a man or a woman, not that it mattered much for Angels, he thought. The Angel had long navy blue hair tired up into a pony tail, high cheekbones and almost white eyes, whoch glew in the dark room. Raziel was, so far, the most human Angel he had met so Alec smiled back and nodded in greeting. He was a big suspisious about Raziel's choice of words, 'finally' was qute a heavy word.

"I have been watching you for years, a prime exaple of what I had in mind, when I had created your kind. You're a true gem amongst rocks, young Lightwood," Raziel praised him and Alec smiled sheepishly.

He still couldn't understand what was so amazing and unique about him, maybe beside his magical boyfriend.

"I know that Seraphiel and Michael gave you something from themselves, they really like you as well, but I have decided to share something with you too."

In Raziel's raised hand appeared a glowing, blue ball, the swirls of energy captivating. The ligh flew through the air and hit him, right in the heart, making Alec stumble back a bit, suddenly breathless. Warmth spread thpugh his whole body, as if transferred by his vains, the source of it in his chest.

Then, Raziel released a lightnig, right in his direction, and Alec acted without thinking, as if he had done it countless time already, and caught it. The feeling of it was delighfull, like a squrming kitten in his hands, slightly warm and tingling. He gasped, suprised and looked at the little bal with awe on his face, feeling a bit like a child with his first toy, not that he had been given one.

"Right reaction. I knew, I was right about you, Alexander," Raziel smiled, watching as Alec made the ball dissappear in the air. "The road you shall walk, will be hard and full of pain, yet so much joy and love, you shall never regret choosing it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I make Raziel non-binary? Yes. Do I have any regrets? No.  
> I will be using they/them pronouns for Raziel, since they're such a powerful badass they just can't be bothered with such a petty thing as gender. 
> 
> Malec will be coming soon, I promise, it's a matter of 2 chapters or so, until Alec comes back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with the next chapter, hope you like it!  
> Once again, thank you for the comments and kudos, they keep my ideas alive.

"I told him, that his best wasn't good enough," Jace said out of the sudden, and Magnus' head snapped up, to meet his eyes,which were filled with anguish. "When he was doing everything he could to save everyone, I, his parabatai, told him, he wasn't good enough. I could _feel_ his pain Magnus,like it was mine. I hurt him so many times..."

The warlock wasn't sure what to say, for once he was speechles, so he just hesitantly squeezed Jace's shoulder, letting him talk.

"I've been a terrible parabatai, he had been hurting his whole life, hating himself and I hadn't noticed, I never noticed his cries at night," he whimpered, almost sobbing. Magnus pulled the boy closer and let him rest in the craddle of his arms, both of them needing comfort. "He had always been there for me, and I never could... I-I had always been too busy... He had been so alone."

He was just mubling into warlock's shirt, needing to let it all out, his emotions a giant mess, his soul still shimmering with pain. Magnus sat there patiently, feeling strangely protective over the boy, as if Alec's feelings rubbed on him a bit.

"I never wanted to dissapoint him, you know, but I did anyway, so many times."

Jace's eyes were puffy and red, so sad and tormented, his worst fears coming up to his mind, which was a broken and out of balance, thrown off kilter by breaking the bond. Magnus wanted to help him, make it slightly easier for him, but it was pointless. It would take Jace years to get better, to get over the tragedy that had happened.

"He always loved you, no matter what," the warlock assured the boy, remebering the fond, if annoyed look in Alec's eyes, every time Jace had done something stupid. "He also knew you loved him back, he could feel that."

Jace only nodded, face hidden in Magnus chest, probably feeling vulnerable and naked, without his parabatai's soul close to his own. It filled the warlock with sorrow, watching the usually bright man so dull and sad, his mismatched eyes empty.

"He loved you too, you were his everything," the boy spoke again, voice a bit muffled, but firm. " I could feel that, clear as a day, that every time someone even mentioned you, affection spread through our bond. You were cherished, Magnus."

He nodded, hiding his tears in Jace's hair, overwhelmed with grief and guilt, his love for Alexander burning bright and beautiful. Only this time, there were no warm, hazel eyes, gazing with him with open affection, no strong hands on his hips, no soft lips, kissing his neck and jaw.

There was still the war looming over them, a terryfying shadow making his hwad hurt. Yet, Magnus decided to give them one more day to grieve, Alec's death still a bleeding wound on their hearts. They would all be useless anway, and it was probably a day before the Clave would find out and start a storm. This wasn't the right time yet, as Jace was still sobbing into his chest and Magnus could feel his own heart breaking, more tears coming up from their meaningfull talk. It just wasn't the time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Alec looked up at Raziel, he was the Angel that had started his kind, so it made him the first Shadowhunter, after Jonathan, to ever talk to him. For some reason, though, it did not make him feel special or unique, only sad. He was dead and even if he came back, his loved ones were all in pain because of it. He had been close to death many times, but this was different, his death meant their parabatai bond...

Their parabatai bond. It had to snap, Jace had to be in so much agony and turmoil, Alec could barely take that thought. He could imagine his parabatai, clutching his stomach, tears running down his face, confused and in pain. Alec sighed sadly, thinking of all the damage his death had caused, all the pain.

All because of the Queen, who had been tired of not being the one in power, even though she was older than the Clave. Now that he thpught of it, it had been just her desire to fight, not even thinking about all the Downwolrders or consequences of her actions. For such an old being, she had behaved very childlishly, and Alec frowned. As a leader, he knew that choices had to be made, some harder than the others, as they all operated in the gray zone, nothing was black or white as Clave had taken to seeing it.

"How much time had passed on Earth?" he asked, wanting to know how much damage had already happened. He was scared, that there would be no time for hugs and reassurances, war already in motion.

"Less than 2 days, worry not," Raziel assured him with a small smile, reaching for an acient book. "The hurt shall pass, young Lightwood, your loved ones shall be alright."

Alec nodded and looked at them expectantly, ready to do something, go back, help his people. Hovewer, Michael came closer, looking at him critically.

"You'll need some training with those wings, even if you cannot fly with them, they should be hidden," he said, referring to the etheral points of energy, currenlty folded like wings on his back.

They cast a fine light in the dark room, sublte reds and oranges shifting into brown and gold. They were, in fact, quite massive and long, cetrainly impressive in their own right, even without a 6'3 Shadowhunter attached to them. Alec knew he'd have to hide them, not everyone had to know about what had happened to them, certainly not the Clave, as they would imprison him for answers.

He sent Michael a small nod and then looked back at Raziel, the great Archangel so unassuming in that form.

"It had been an honour to meet you," he said formally and bowed a little, the Angel smiling at him, before they dissapeared again.

They appeared without Seraphiel, on a field of sorts, utterly alone in the silence, not even the wind to disturb them. It made Alec uneasy and twitchy, as the living world was a constant noise, something or another always there. Being put in an environment, where there was only empty silence felt wrong somehow, throwing him off balance.

Michael didn't seem bothered by it, standing still and imposing as ever, great wings folded behind him, arms crossed in front of his chest. He was looking him over, so Alec forced himself to stand still, seemingly unmoved by the Archangel's eyes on him. He couldn't show any weakness, not to someone as stern and impressive as Michael, the General of Heaven.

"Can you feel them?" the Angel asked with curiosity and Alec realised he had to be their experimental rabbit.

"I think so," he answered hesitantly, as it really wasn't easy to tell.

Yes, they were there, he could see them, hear the faint thrum of power, but they didn't pull any any mucles, didn't weigh anything, which made it hard for him to really feel them as a oart of his body. Though maybe, they weren't part of his physical body, only part of his soul, his Angel half, a manifestation of his gifts in physical world, to make it easier for him.

"They're just a symbol, aren't they?" he asked suddenly, hesitantly thinking about extending his powers, unfolding the great wings.

To his great suprise, the light moved well behind his back, shimmering wings spreading to their full capacity, which also meant he was hit by a wave of feeling as if he had awakened something inside him. A rune burned at his skin, so Alec raised his shirt, to discover a weird looking rune, right on his sternum, looking a bit like a sword or an arrow. He could also feel something at his back, physical pain of an angelic fire burning his skin, but he couldn't see anything.

"Yes, they are," Michael answered with a pleased smile. Alec got a feeling he was proud of him. "They are a representation of what you are now, of what you are capable of, which should also help you focus on your new abilities."

Alec smiled and spread them some more, flexing and moving the apandages, even though they still didn't feel as if they belonged on his body. There was an awareness now, of the Angel standing next to him of his power, unimaginable power, an unstoppable force in the form of a winged man. He looked at Michael in awe, seeing the glow of his aura, the fire that burned inside of the man.

"What did you do to me?" he asked, though his voice wasn't accusatory. Yes, he was shocked and unsure, in a totally unknown situation, but he wasn't angry.

"We combined pieces of our Grace, to give you a bit from all three of us. Raziel said variety shall be an asset, a strength."

He looked down at his hands, willing fire to appear and, to his great suprise and awe, it did, flickering to life just as it did on Seraphiel's wings, sparkling and full of life.

"Raziel is a Mage, and while you shall never be a warlock, a piece of my sibling's Grace allows you to feel and perform some forms of magic yourself," Michael informed him and Alec smiled, thinking of all the things Magnus could teach him now, something more to bring them closer, to make it easier for him to understand his boyfriend.

"How do I hide them?" he asked finally, not wanting to loose the awareness, the weird calmness that spread through him thanks to the wings.

"Will them into another dimension of existence," the Angel said like it was obvious, making Alec roll his eyes this time.

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

He was really trying to be respectfull and polite, but months spend with Magnus and his unapologetic nature made it hard and harder to repress his reactions. Michael was saying great words, accenting his importance and uniqueness and yet. Yet, he treated him as a pest, like talking to him was his greatest punishment. It was infuriating and reminded him, once again, of his parents, who had such a great plans for him, but hadn't treated him as an individual person, capable of making his own decisions.

"Focus on how they feel as if they are not there and just work it like a muscle, while you are letting go of the string of your bow. Just breathe out and do it."

Alec took a deep breath and focused on his back and the etheral wings, that sprouted from it. He felt them, but he also didn't, which made it harder to concentrate on getting them to hide. It was as if he tried making air bend to his will. It would be impossible but somehow, he had to do it.

Giving up on any method he just focused on his bow, the feeling of the arrow next to his cheek, the air being punched from in front of it. Suddenly, he got the analogy. It was like letting go of an arrow, only Michael wasn't very good at communicating it. As soon as Alec understood, the wings dissapeared from sight, but he could still feel a faint buzz of them, a reminder. Alec turned to the Angel with a badly hidden smirk.

"Very well, you do learn fast, if with a bit of attitude," Michael commented dryly and Alec had to admit, it was something he himself would say.

"When can I go back? My people need me," he asked curiously, desire to do something burning in his vains.

Alec had never been a person to sit down and wait, if there was a war to be won, he was going to do everything he could, to make sure it happened. Magnus had helped him a lot, to build up some confidence, make other people bend to his will, stand his point. He was enternally grateful for that, although he wasn't sure if his warlock knew that. The Shadowhunter promsed himself, that he would tell him all of that, thank him for everything he had done.

Thinking about Magnus made him think of Jace and Izzy too, and oh, was that a sad thought. His parabatai bond had to be broken, his death had to cause that and Alec cringed as he imagined the pain Jace had to be going through. He sighed sadly, there was nothing to be done about it until he came back, as death ruled them all. Well, he thought looking at Michael, maybe not all.

Archangel's voice brought him back to their conversation.

"You shall be back, worry not," he said firmly, not even a hint of warmth in his voice.

Alec nodded and looked at his feet, mind already back on Magnus. He wanted to see his boyfriend but he wasn't sure if that desire was returned. Magnus had, after all, went to Seelie Queen, without listening to him, after everything that had happened. While Alec understood that he had been hurt, it had went both ways and he still could feel the lingering, sharp pain in his chest, as if someone ripped his heart out.

He shook himself off the memories, focusing on the situation on hand. He had to get back and try some damage control, as the Seelie Queen was bound to act soon, not one to give empty words. There was also the case of why would she start a war, in such a sensitive time. Yes, she was childlish at times, but she had so much experience at her hands, strategically it had been an exceptionally stupid move. So why? Why throw the lives of Downworlders in a war that would bring nothing but destruction and Valentine's quick victiory. Unless...

Unless it had been the plan, unless she was a traitor, one working with Valentine, with a promise of equal treatment, maybe more power. The pieces fit but Alec still had no evidence, it was just a wild thought that appeared during his thinking process. He needed more information, more evidence. Ideally, before the war started, as there had to be a way to stop it.

_You are thinking too hard, young Nephilim. Rest your head a bit longer, the next time you open your eyes, you shall be back where your soul belongs._

Then, everything went black. It was becoming so predictable, but no less annoying.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly happy with that chapter but I kinda needed to post it, so here it goes. I probably won't be posting another one this week, because work is being a bitch, so I apologise in advance.  
> I really hope you'll like it though, I packed a lot of stuff in it, but there was no way to make it into two parts so... Enjoy.

The next time Magnus woke up, there was a weight across his stomach and chest, and for a one wonderful moment, he thought that all had been a dream, a terrible nightmare. That Alexander was in the bed with him, looking all sleepy and adorable, dazed eyes full of love and warmth. Only, the bed was too narrow and hard, there wasn't sun on his skin and the weight on his body felt strange, not familiar at all.

The warlock opened his eyes and looked down at the mop of golden hair, an arm thrown ober his body. The Shadowhunter had curled into a ball next to Magnus, protecting the side where the scar resided, as if unwilling to let it hurt more. He sighed and let his racing heart calm down, as anguish and grief fell full-force on his shoulders. Their time to grieve was gone, the world hadn't stopped with Alec's death, however much he wanted that. They had responsibilities, a war looming over their heads.

He had to get Luke and Raphael, explain the situation, show them how The Queen made the wrong call. They were both reasonable so it wouldn't be too difficult, but working with Shadowhunters again, especially with Alexander gone... That would take some work. 

"Hi," came hoarse, sad voice of Jace, not a trace of his usual cheekines and arrogance.

The masks were gone, leaving only a scared, lonely, broken man, and Magnus was once again hit by how young they all were, barely out of childhood, forced to make such difficult choices. His Alexander had been young too, only 22, so inexperienced and foolish, placed in a position of extreme power. And he had managed, done a good job.

"Hello, how are you feeling?" he asked, feeling foolish but needing to know.

Jace was his responsibility now, with Alexander gone, the reckless Shadowhunter needed someone to lean on, while he was vulnerable and out of balance. The blonde had a tendency to do stupid things, act without thinking, and Alexander had been his impulse control for most part, doing the damage control in a way noone else could. All because Jace trusted him, even if he had done his own mistakes with their bond, taking his parabati for granted.

"Not fine, but that's normal, I guess," Jace shrugged, slowly getting up, hand hovering over his new scar. "I need to talk to Izzy, then Maryse. We need to take care of this sitation," he sighed and while Jace wasn't exaclty a leader, he could think.

"Of course, I'm right with you," Magnus assured and was about to follow the Shadowhunter, when his expression stopped the warlock.

"Look Magnus, I know you want to help but... How do I know that you won't get angry at the Clave and rush off to the Queen, telling her about everything?" Jace asked helplessly. "I know that you wish to do the right thing," he stopped Magnus' before he could say anything. "But you loved Alec and yet you got angry, and went to her, which ended...badly. How do I know you won't do the same thing?"

The question hovered in the silence and Magnus had to force himself to keep his face and eyes blank. Jace's words hurt him, their pain bigger because of the Shadowhunter had every right to act like he did. He had gotten angry and that led to the mess they had to face now.

"Oh course, I understand," he said calmly, his heart breaking even more. "I'll do my best with Downworlders."

"I know you will," Jace responsed honestly and Magnus looked up at him, startled. "You're a good man and I know you don't want that war. But I'm just not ready to trust you yet."

The warlock forced a smile, just for the Shadowhunter's sake. He understood, he really did but it still felt wrong, not being able to be there, when they planned for the next move, talking about Alexander's death.

"It's understable, don't worry about it," Magnus said quietly and created a portal, before turning to Jace again. He wasn't exactly sure what to say. "Please, keep me updated on any important things, we're on the same side."

With that, the warlock stepped through the portal, right into Raphael's office, startling the vampire. He sighed and sat down on the sofa, a drink already in his hand.

"Dios, Magnus, what happened? You look like death," Raphael asked in his usual blunt manner, that reminded him awfully of Alexander. Those two had so much in common, he was still suprised they hadn't gotten along.

"He's dead," he said numbly, voice empty. There was so much more to say, but he just didn't feel like it, not yet.

"Who's dead, Magnus? The arrogant blonde? Can't say I'll miss him," Raphael snarled but then looked closely at him. "Magnus?"

The warlock closed his eyes at the worry in his friend's voice, he probably looked terrible, all messy and red-eyed.

"Alexander."

His voice carried in the sudden silence, broken by a sharp breath that Raphael didn't need. He looked at his drink, finishing it off and snapped his fingers for the next one. He couldn't deal with this, not again, but he owed the vampire that. After all, his Shadowhunter's death would affect all of them.

Suddenly, there was a hand on his shoulder and Magnus looked up suprised, straight into Raphael's dark, sad eyes.

"Who killed him?" he asked softly.

Almost noone knew that Raphael was a quite gentle soul, hardened and scarred by passing years and Camille, just as him. His friend cared, Magnus knew that, and in that moment he could see just how much. The vampire never really liked Alexander, sure he would break his heart, only recently he had started seeing him in a different light, after the Cabinet Meeting.

"Seelie Queen. With my guidance," Magnus admitted, voice breaking once again.

He hated himself, for being this weak and crying all the time, for not being able to stand straight and face the upcoming challenge. It wasn't as if before Alexander there was nothing, he had so many great memories from his yearlier years, right alongside the bad ones. He had been alive for over 400 years, one Shadowhunter couldn't just destroy that, his death changing Magnus into an empty shell.

Yet, it was exaclty what had happed. He didn't feel alive, not anymore and he was almost sure he could relate to Jace, whose parabatai had been taken away from him. Almost.

"Magnus, explain," Raphael requested suddenly, voice stern but not unkind.

His friends had seen him through some low times, and how much he wouldn't give for Ragnor's presence as well. They always knew how to make him feel better, but Magnus feared this time it would be impossible. Nonetheless, he got himself together a bit and started the tale.

By the end of it he was even a bigger mess, yet another glass of whiskey in his hand being drained, eyes wet once again. It was a tale of how he had killed the love of his life and Magnus didn't want it to sound so dramatic but somehow it did, it had been so dramatic. The feeling he got, while seeing Alec kneeling at her feet, eyes scared but so strong, talking about doing the right thing even with Death staring into his eyes.

His hand clenched at the glass and suddenly a vase exploded, as his magic reacted to Magnus' pain, but Raphael, to his credit, didn't even flinch. He just sat there, quiet and calm, not touching him, giving him the space he wanted to be occupied by a hazel-eyed Shadowhunter.

Mangus tried to control his magic but it slipped free as an echo of Alec's screams once again sounded in his head, his defeated posture, refusing to sumbit to the Queen, yet accepting death. It had been so painful to watch, the realisation that it may have been a wrong choice skeaking up at him, as Luke had refused to look at him.

"I've made a mistake, Raphael, and he's dead now. We have another war coming, the Sword is stll missing and the only Head of the Institue who was willing to work with us, is dead now. Because of me," Magnus summarised, voice resigned.

"You didn't kill him. She did," Raphael finally said, looking straight at him. "Magnus, she didn't need to kill him but she did anyway, because she wanted to teach you a lesson, probably."

Magnus only shook his head.

"But I went to her, even after Luke had told me to wait, even after everything. I went to her instead of just waiting for my anger to tie, instead of letting Alec talk!" he shouted, angry at himself and oh, so guilty.

"I know and it was a bad decision, but you can't stop at that moment, you know better," Raphael chided him gently, just as Magnus had done to him so many times. His boy was all grown up. "You need to keep moving, there is war to be won. And you need to remeber that the Shadowhunter had made his mistakes too, it hadn't been right to lie to you."

Magnus nodded. He knew that, Alexander had made a mistake, yet one that could've been explained. Yes, he understood his reasoning, his position as Head of the Institute wasn't exactly an easy one but he was sure that they could've worked it out, together. That was the key word, together, not walking away from each other, without hearing the other side.

He sighed but got himself together once more, this time focusing on matter at hand.

"Jace is supposed to give me details on any important decisions but we need to meet with Luke and talk, this will affect all of us," Magnus decided, already thinking like a leader he was. It was his duty to protect those people, even if he had to protect them from their own kind.

"I will arrange a meeting. I suspect the Shadowhunters won't be joining us?" Raphael asked carefully, his boy really could be gentle with him.

"No, they have their own problems at the moment, like choosing yet another Head and then dealing with the fallout of Seelie Queen killing a Lightwood," he sighed, already exhausted.

There was a lot of work to be done, but it was important to keep moving, keep doing something, trying to right his wrongs.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jace felt a bit like he was in a dream, as he walked through the Institute, trying to find Maryse and Isabelle. They were the only ones he trusted with that, as his adopted mother had been trying to make amends, change herself. He had no choice but to trust her, Alec was her oldest son after all, even if she hadn't really been a good mother to him.

 The scar on his side still hurt, it hadn't stopped for a moment, a constant reminder of his failure, of how useless he was as a brother and parabatai.

_Where thou diest , will I die, and there will I be buried._

He felt a pang as he remembered the oath, by all means he should've died too. He had let his parabatai down, one last time, just to be sure. Jace lauged cruelly at himself, he was so much of a dissapoitment as a brother, that he hadn't even been there, when Alec had needed him the most, after the fight with Magnus, even though he had felt that something was wrong.

 

The worst thing was, that Alec hadn't died until Magnus came to the Institute, she had kept him alive for longer, probably slowly dying, bleeding out. Just the thought of it was unbearable and Jace stumbled a bit, before straightening out.

He had a thing to do, he had to force his feelings aside and do the right thing, just like Alec had done time after time, letting everyone else think badly of him, even his own parabatai. It was high time Jace did something similar, in the memory of Alec, to keep everyone safe. It was important to act quickly.

Jace entered the library, where he could see and hear Maryse and Isabelle talking, his sister clearly distressed and sad. Immediatelly, he felt guilty, as he ahd not thought about her, how she must feel, too submerged in his own grief and Magnus's suffering. He cringed and walked closer, catching the end of Maryse's request.

"...just tell me."

"Alec's dead," he found himself saying, voice hollow but strong, as he refused to break down once more.

Their head whiped around to look at him, Maryse's eyes widening but he spoke before she could.

"He had been killed by the Seelie Queen, who is about to declare a war against the Clave, as a punishment for keeping the thruth about the Sould Sword a secret," he continues, as if it was merely a report. "We can't act without thinking, we can't have another war on the side, but I don't know what to do," Jace admitted, feeling helpless.

He was smart, but strategy and planning had always been Alec's part, his parabatai briliant in that. Jace had ideas, but they had always been more of addiction to Alec's plans than any foundation.

Jace looked at Maryse who paled suddenly, eyes becoming dark and watery, but she did not cry. She was a monther who had just found out that her son was dead, but she held it together better than any of them had. He felt a bit of respect for her at that.

"The Clave must be informed," she said firmly and quickly continued, "We can't have another war but there is nothing else to do than fight, if she declares it. We just can't start one ourselves, which may be hard as Alec i-was a Head," she stumbled over her words but kept strong. "I'll do my best to make sure they won't do anything stupid. We can't afford stupid."

It was astonishing, how far she came from the woman she had been a few months ago, and Jace felt proud. Yes, she had made her mistakes, so many of them, but she was really trying to be better, to change. It was something he could admire.

"The Downwolrders are discussing it too, they won't be with the Queen, I know that," Jace assured Maryse, knowing that Magnus wouldn't allow that, not after everything.

Maryse nodded and sighed, squeezing his arm gently and hugging Isabelle, before leaving to deal with the Clave and the fallout. Jace looked at his sister who, for once, looked like mess of red eyes and smudged make up. It made him hig her tightly, letting her weep into his arm as he tried to hold it together. For Alec, who had always been there for them. It was Jace's turn.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Magnus breathed deeply as Luke and Raphael left his loft, hours of talking and planning leaving him exhaused. Just as he had predicted, nether the vampire not the werewolf sided with the Queen, both of them seeing the foolishnes of her actions. Luke hadn't yet looked straight at him, probably reliving Alec's screams too, and Magnus couldn't blame him.

Luke was always a very parental figure and the warlock was sure thst somewhere along the way Alec grew on the werewolf, as well as his actions did. They had lost an important ally in the Shadowhunter but Magnus hoped that Jace would not let the Clave do anything stupid. It wasn't the time for their prejudice and arrogance, not with another war looming over the horizon.

He sighed and finished his drink, just as his phone signalled a text. Magnus reached for it and smiled, a little tired smile as he read Jace's message.

' _Clave wants her on a trial for murder, not happy but willing to listen somewhat. Lydia is the new temporary Head.'_

So, by some miracle, Shadowhunters actually used their brains instead of their pride and arrogance. Magnus was sure that the Angels had to be looking over them, as nothing else made sense. It was almost too good to be true, but they had to just go with it and hope for the best. The war was coming, of that Magnus was sure, as the Seelie Queen wasn't one to back up on her word. She had an agenda there, and the warlock had a feeling it wasn't a pretty one. Not by any means.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jace looked at the text he had sent. Almost unwilling to believe that something so good was true. In his experience, the Clave was always pushing for their way, too blind and proud to listen to others but somehow, Maryse did it. He supposed it had something to do with her position and Clave's sympathy for her. Shadowhunters fell in love once and cheating wasn't exactly nice in their books, something about honor and stuff.

The only thing he cared about, was the fact that it made them actually listen and do something the right way for once. It made things a bit easier, not easy by any means, but a bit less impossible. With the Downworlders cooperation they had some chance to stall the war, make her reconsider and Jace was sure there was a delegation to the Seelie Court being planned at the moment.

He sat on Alec's old bed, from before his parabatai had practically moved in with warlock, feeling lost. The scar on his stomach was hideous and he avoided looking at it, a reminded of his failure, everything that was left of Alec's existence. All reduced to one scar, on Jace's body. He sighed sadly and closed his eyes.

It wasn't that Jace felt suicidal, just his sould didn't want to exist as a half, not after tasting what it felt like, being connected to someone as bright and amazing as Alec. The hollow ache made him cringe every time he though of it, and Jace caught himself thinking about dying, just leaving it all behind, joining his parabatai as they were supposed to be joined.

The oath was't just a pretty poeam to him, it was his promise, that he would never leave Alec's side when it mattered, that he would _die_ next to him, so that their sould would never be parted from each other. And yet, the cruel fate forced them to go separate ways, taking Alec's life from them, just beacuse the Queen wanted a war.

He cursed and left the room, feeling like he was about to suffocate and it was just a mircale, that there was a demon hunt on the outskirts of New York. Jace jumped into the occasion to blow off some steam, let go of his anger in productive way and soon enough he was on his way to the adress. It felt wrong, doing it without Alec's steady presence next to him, through their bond, but that was his life now.

Jace drew his seraph blade and jumped into action, as there were only 3 Shax demons there, he was sure he would be able to take them down. Only, he hadn't realised that his body was accustomed to fighting with Alec behind them, hardly any hunt done without him, and he felt pain in his heart, when there wasn't a red arrow over his shoulder, protecting his reckless style of fighting.

Just the single thought was enough to throw him off-balance and the demons used that, to slice at his back, the blade thrown away by the impact. Too late, Jace realised that hunting so soon after loosing his parabatai might have been a terrible idea, his body still weak and confused. The thought of death wasn't so terrible, when it meant joining Alec, their parabatrai bond once again in place.

The demons were closing on him, and Jace was too weak to do anything, truly helpless for the first time in long time.

"I'm sorry, Alec," he whispered into the night and just as he was about to close his eyes, there was a sharp light flying over his head, killing one demon.

It took him a second to notice another light, _an arrow covered in magic,_ burying itself in the second demon, a third one following short after. Then, something warm sprung to life inside him, a familiar feeling of a rune being burnt into his skin. Jace gasped as their parabati bond awakened, Alec presence once again close to him, different this time, greater, warmer, but _there,_ oh so familar.

Jace raised his head weakly as a tall figure soundlessly stepped closer, a bow in his hand. He felt tears running down his cheeks but he didn't care because somehow, it was...

"Alec."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, he's back I guess. Also, don't be angry that he came to see Jace first, it was all Angel's doing, as they're parabatai.
> 
> Also, do you want the reunion in Alec's or Jace's POV? I'm not sure what to do yet so comment please!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't check for mistakes - it's late and I'm a bit drunk but here it is.  
> I don't have a beta yet, but a sweetheart of a guy offered to try to check my shit, so we'll see.  
> Also, I'll probably be updating once a week now, though I'm not sure. Work is being a bitch and I have some personal issuses right now, but I'll try to keep the work going.  
> Enjoy!

Jace looked at Alec with wide eyes, not believing what he was seeing but the bond was there, back where it belonged, so it had to be his parabatai, his other half. By some miracle, Alec was back, right where he always had been, behind Jace, saving his reckless ass in the last minute, sending him a dissaproving frown, just as he was at the moment.

His parabatai was standing in front of him, his tall frame impressive and proud, eyes angry. It was the anger that brought Jace back to the moment.

"What the hell was that, Jace?" Alec asked sharply, because he wasn't one to shout and Jace would've felt ashamed, if he wasn't so amazed and relieved. "You could have died there, that was extremerly stupid, even for you..."

His parabatai kept talking, but he just couldn't focus on it, too suprised, too overwhelmed by the sight of him, all alive and well, looking even better than before his death, acting as if nothing had happened. Jace felt tears run down his cheeks, one of sadness and relief, his parabatai bond settling into place, stronger, warmer, more intense than ever. He let out a sob at that, as Alec crouched to draw an Iratze on his back. The familiar action caused another wave of tears and he flung himself at his parabatai, breaths uneven.

Alec didn't even flinch, just gathered him in his arms, like he had done so many days ago, in the balcony, when Jace had been breaking down, just like now. He sobbed into his parabatai's neck without shame, everything coming down in that second, safe with Alec, who was alive once again, and he wasn't alonealonealone anymore, his soul was complete.

"Breathe," came Alec's gentle voice and Jace realised that he was panting, chest hurting, as it moved in sharp, quick motions.

He forced himself to take a deeper breath, following Alec's example, as his parabatai brought him back from a panic attack Jace hadn't realised he was having. He was simply too overwhelmed, too amazed to control himself and this time, Alec was there, with his firm but gentle voice and stern eyes.

It took him a few minutes, but Jace was able to gto his breathing under control and gripped Alec tighter, scared his parabatai would be torn away from his side, if he let go only a little. This whole situation was too good to te true, and if not for their parabatai bond, Jace would've though this was an elaborate trap, part of Valentine's plan. But Alec's soul was reight there next to his own, just like they belonged.

Jace slowly opened his eyes to hind himself in Alec's arms, his head on his paratabai's shoulder, the archer caressing his back soothingly. He breathed in, Alec's smell different somehow, like air before storm, electricty and fire, something otherwordly even. He smiled nonetheless, his parabatai was back and everything felt right, like he could go back and defeat Valentine himselfm of only Alec was there, by his side.

"How did you come back?" he asked hoarsely, still clinging to Alec, too scared to let him go.

The taller man gently coaxed him away, pulling him up with him, until they were standing, Jace still gripping Alec's hand, a bit unsteady on his feel. His parabatai looked at him with a little smile and stole his phone, presumably to send a text to Izzy, so that she wouldn't be worried. Jace could tell that his brother didn't want to come back to everyone, not yet, and he was absolutely fine with that plan. It was like just after the ceremony, when they needed to be close, the unfamiliar senastion of someone else next to their soul. Jace wanted that time this time too.

"How about we grab something to eat?" Alec asked finally, leading him out of the building, into the colorful streets of New York, full of live even in the middle of the night.

Jace nodded and stayed silent, observing his parabatai closely. He seemed more sure of himself, yet uncomfortable in his own skin at the same time, which confused the blonde. He could tell something was different, Alec's soul felt not exactly the same, and while dying could have that effect, it was something else. Jace could tell.

They got their food in silence and sat down in the Central Park, hidden under the tree, no other living being on sight. Jace was fine with that, Alec was all his now, at least for a moment when they reconcilled, talked about what had happened. He felt content to stay silent for a while, seeing as Alec needed some time to get it all together, his presence was all Jace needed for a moment. The questions could come later for all he cared, as the fact that Alec was really alive, was only starting to stelle in, his parabatai bond solidifying slowly, just as it had done so many years ago.

 

Alec knew he owed Jace answers, so many of them, but being alive once more felt so weird. He had wanted to come back so much, but when it had finally happened, he felt like he didn't really belong, the strange enrgy within him pulsing and he had to struggle to keep the wings hidden. It had to be their Grace, which wasn't exactly made for being near humas, on Earth, which was so different from Heaven. He could feel it slowly becoming part of his soul, but it felt weird, like the Grace wanted to be set free.

He sighed deeply, looking at his parabatai, who resembled a zombie from those mundane movies Magnus made him watch. There were bags under his eyes, skin skin lost the golden glow and Alec could still remember how empty Jace's eyes had been, back when he had given up, letting the demons kill him. He knew that breaking of the bond had affected Jace, but seeing the evidence of it, made his chest hurt.

Finally, Alec steeled himself and looked aside, knowing that if he focused on Jace, he wouldn't be able to go with the story.

"As you know, I died," he started, and just that made something appear in his throat, making it hard to go on. But he had to. "By the Angel, Jace, I really died and it was awful," Alec choked out, suddenly relising just how traumatic it had been, the memories coming back full force, threatening to suffocate him. "She forced me to drink something from her garden and then declared that it gave her right for my life. She made the vain go through me chest." He put his hand on the place, where he still could feel the pain, the sickening crunch of his bones.

Alec wanted to continue, but it became too much, the memories flooding his mind, so vivid and real, as if he was there once again. Nonetheless, he needed to get that out, for Jace and for himself, he knew that it would be dangerous to keep it all inside, he had grown a lot the last few months.

"They pulled me underground but I didn't die, Jace. I was buried alive, a hole in my chest, my lungs slowly filling with blood and it was awful," Alec choked, Jace's hand on his shoulder. He didn't look at his parabatai, lookinbg into the darkness. "I'm not surehow much time passed but, by the Angels, it felt like hours before I finally drowned in my own blood...Or maybe suffocated? It was dark and I couldn't think..."

He felt Jace's arms around him and he felt shame, he had to be strong, he wasn't the one to feel the bond breaking.

But you did die, young Nehpilim. Noone should ever remeber that moment, you are allowed to cry.

Alec wasn't sure if it really was Seraphiel, or just his subconsciousness but he sagged against Jace, tears running down his cheeks as he relived the memoriess. Finally, he calmed down a little, but didn't move away, taking cofmort and strenght from Jace's embrance, from their bond.

"I woke up somewhere white," he continued and rolled his eyes at Jace's suprise. "There was an Archangel Seraphiel, and no, let me fininish," Alec cut his parabatai off before he could add anything. "For some reason, Heaven didn't like that I had been killed so they decided to give me another chance, upgraded me a bit, and told me to make things right again. Apparently, they don't really like the Clave's actions and decided that I am the rigth person to change the history."

Silence fell after his words and Alec couldn't blame Jace for not knowing what to say. He did his best to summarise what had happened, without using Michael's great words or Seraphiels tendency to make things more dramatic. He almost smiled at his own thoughts. The Angels were more human that he had anticipated, with flaws and certain behaviours, that he did not expect from them.

"Well, no pressure, right?" Jace finally asked, a teasing smirk on his lips and Alec rolled his eyes again. Trust his parabatai to make light of such situation.

"Yeah, I'm not stressed at all," he muttered, though there was some truth in that statement. He wasn't nervous per say, just a bit uncertain but determined. He had a mission to do, as soon as possible.

"What were the upgrades?" his parabatai asked suddenly, looking curious and excited. Alec sighed, Jace was impossible.

"Theoretically, I'm a mix of a Shadowhunter and a warlock but from what I understand, I don't do spells, I manipulate the energy," Alec shrugged.

In all honesty, he wasn't sure what exaclty his powers were, as Michael thrust information into his brain and decided that practice makes perfect. So far, Alec had reacted instinctively, like with the arrows, when he had seen Jace lying down on the ground, defeated and bloodied. His training acted before he did, drawing an arrow he didn't know he had, and then, came the surge of power, as he let the arrow flow, magic and fire tangling around it, speeding it up.

Alec was almost suprised by how deadly just one arrow was, but then, it was covered in probably holy fire, along with some of Raziel's magic. It felt natural to be using this new abilities, but also it didn't exactly come from him, the decision to do it. He knew he had to train more, until it was instict, to use the powers. Good thing he had Jace now, to practice and train, and he was a bit curious what it wasbout his phisical abilities as well. It wasn't Angel's blood, but Grace, so he suspected it worked differently, but some information in his head told him, that magic could affect the body.

"When I saved your stupid ass a while before," he started, throwing Jace a stern look, "I wasn't using any spells, because I'm not a warlock. I was just kind of manipulating the enegry, the magic, not creating actuall spells."

It was hard to explain something he himself wasn't sure of, but Jace nodded thoughtfully.

"You can control it all?" he asked curiously and Alec sighed, shrugging.

"Kind of? I mean, there was no time for practice so Michael just shoved knowledge in my head and hoped for the best, I guess."

Alec had already figured out that Michael wasn't the best teacher ever, Raziel coming way closer, with their genle but firm voice and quick thinking. Michael's method kind of worked, only Alec wasn't exaclty sure how he was doing what he was doing, the moves coming out of nowhere. It was confusing and irritating, but he had some time to train, it would be neccesarry.

"So, what are you going to do now? There is war coming, and we're not exactly ready for that. Also, Magnus is a mess, almost as big as I was, the Downworlders agreed to work with us but the chances are still slim," Jace asked, the words leaving him in a hurry.

Alec closed his eyes at the mention of Magnus. He could still remeber his gentle eyes, that his boyfriend had tried to hide under the cold extrerior, but he also remebered how he just had gone to the Queen, after everything they've been through. How he hadn't let him talk, explain anything.

"I'm not ready to face Magnus yet," he admitted quietly, looking at Jace carefully. His parabatai only nodded with serious eyes. "I need to find an ally in Downworlders though, at least that's what the Angels told me. I'm thinking of Luke to be honest, he's the one I know the most aside from Magnus and he's reasonable," Alec continued, this time staring into the darkness as he tried to form a plan. "I have to talk to the Seelie Queen, do something so that the war won't happen. We can't deal with another one."

"You'll do it," Jace suddenly said, voice full of faith. "They chose you and it was a right decision, Alec. You're the one to make it happen."

He sighed, uncertain and scared, everything suddenly too much for him. His death, the Angels, Magnus, the enormous responsibility that had been placed on his shoulders. Just a few months earlier he had been a reserved, nobody of a Shadohunter, always underappreciated by everyone, staying in Jace's shadow. Then, he had met Magnus and everything had changed, and Alexander Lightwood had died a Head of the Institute, with a High Warlock of Brooklyn for a boyfriend. That had been quite a journey, but Alec had a feeling it was just the beggining.

"I don't feel like the right person, but I guess I don't really have a choice," Alec shrugged helplessly. "I've been thrown into the centre of this mess, and I just have to deal with it the best way I can."

That was the only way to do it, taking problems away one by one, creating a strategion. He had always been good at it. It felt like too much, like he wasn't ready, never ready, but there was nothing to be done. Alec was slowly accepting that even if he felt inadequate for the mission, it wasn't his choice or call. He just had to deal with the fallout and try to win the war.

"And this time, I'll be here," he heard Jace's firm voice and his head snapped up in confusion. His parabatai looked like he was about to cry once again. "I promise, I'll be a better parabatai this time. I've got a second chance to be the person you deserve, as the other half of your soul, and I'll do anything to make sure I am that person, I swear."

Alec was rendered speechless, looking at Jace in wonder. It was a lot to take in, but Jace looked like he was about to fall aparat, so the archer gathered him in his arms, feeling his parabatai's arms around his waist, clinging to his shirt once again.

"I know you will," he assured Jace, deciding to just calm him down. "You're the best parabatai I could've hoped for, but I know you need to be sure of that yourself. I trust you," Alec kept talking, voice low and soothing.

It felt a bit weird, unfamiliar, Jace in his arms, crying his brains out. It had happened before, quite a few times, but they had been still children, young and scared, when Jace had came to his room at night, shaking from a nightmare. It had been so long ago, but Alec found himself falling into the moves easily, and slowly, his parabarai calmed down, breathing regulating. Alec kept quiet, and they sat there in silence, night calm and dark around them, not a person in this part of the park. It was nice, to just rest a bit, detached from the world and the war, just the two of them, reconnecting, relearning each other once again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Jace wasn't sure how much time had passed, but they were lying on the grass, next to each other, watching the sky. New York's lights were too blinding to see any starts, but it was calming, Alec's presence once again bright and warm next to his soul, the bond stronger than ever. He felt better, having told Alec everything, apologising all the time, making amends for his past mistakes. Jace finally felt as if he was on the right track, standing firmly next to his parabatai, as he worked to change the world. He had always knew that there was something about Alec, hidden under the glares and silence, under his unassuming ways. Maybe it was this, Angel's quest to achieve the impossible, or maybe something enturely else, but Jace swore to himself, to be there, by Alec's side, to find out.

He glanced to the side, where Alec lay with his eyes closed, a serene expression on his face. Jace allowed himself a small smile. It was good, that they found a moment to rest and breathe, as there was a giant storm ahead of them, the Seelie Queen in the centre. Alec would need any rest he could get, they all would and just breathing in the night of New York felt like a small blessing.

"You're going to see Luke first?" he asked finally.

Jace didn't particulary want to ruin the mood, but some questions needed answeres and he knew that Alec needed to make plans, decide on what to do next. Talking about it was the best way to do it.

"I think so," Alec answered uncertainly, voice still soft, but gaining strength. "I'm really not ready to see Magnus now, and definitely not Mom or the Clave. I should see Izzy but I can't go to the Institute yet and the Queen is probably going to act soon. We need to be quicker. I just hope he won't tell Magnus."

Jace could tell that there were some deep issues there, yet he couldn't exactly fault Alec for not wanting to see Magnus yet. It was too soon, his parabatai was only regaining his footing, dealing with the traumatic experience of dying, suffocating slowly. He suspected it was one of the reasons why Alec didn't want to meet with his boyfriend, but there also the case of the argument. Jace knew it had hurt his parabatai more than he had let on, having felt his anguish and loneliness. It wasn't the right time.

"Then go. Some things are more important than others and you have a war to avoid," Jace said with a smirk, getting up.

Alec looked up at him with surpise but the blonde only heaved him up and hugged him quickly.

"Buisness first or there won't be an Institute to get back to," Jace shrugged and watched as his parabatai rolled his eyes and walked into the shadows. Things were starting to look better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope you're not too mad at the lack of Magnus in this chapter, I promise there will be a lot of him in the next one. I just really love the parabatai bond feels and I think that Jace's and Alec's relationship is pretty important. I may have some plans for that parabatai shit but we'll see.
> 
> Please, comment what you think of Alec going to see Luke first, I'd love to see your opinion, as I wasn't sure what he should do. Hope you didn't hate it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind and long comments, I love reading what you guys think of the plot or the characters. It always makes me feel amazing, that you're actually into my story, so thank you so much.  
> Also, I have a beta now, so I hope there are less of my silly misspells and all. Thank you, Tyler baby <3
> 
> I don't really like the ending very much, but I needed to do something to push the plot and I know I won't come up with anything better. It's still up to you to judge though. Enjoy!

Alec thought as he walked to get to Luke and make him believe he wasn't a demon, while remaining unseen by any other Downworlders or Shadowhunters. It was quite a challenge, as Luke was probably with his pack, telling them about what had happened, trying to come up with a plan. He wasn't sure how to get to him without alarming other werewolves, they had an amazing sense of smell, and Maia already knew his smell. Maybe... He focused as warmth spread through his body, starting from his sternum, the exact spot where the hole in his chest had been.

He inhaled sharply and looked down at himself. If he focused, he could see a barely-there glow, all over his body, illuminating in gentle red. Alec sighed and tried to remember what it meant, the knowledge Michael had thrust in his head a big mess, everything tangled together. After some time, he figured out it dimmed his smell, making him almost untraceable for werewolves, although it had nothing to do with invisibility. Alec looked around and then stepped inside some big, mundane store, where he found a dark hoodie.

Dressed in the new garment, with a hood over his face Alec continued his journey , wondering what to say, how to present the situation. Luke was bound to think of him as an impostor, maybe a demon or a shapeshifter, a trap. It was only a matter of convincing him otherwise, only Alec had never been good with words. With Jace it had been easy, as the bond instantly recognised his soul, making it clear he was Alec Lightwood, not a demon. With Luke it would be tricky, especially as they didn't have much time. Something was pushing at his mind, hurrying him up, alarm bells loud in his head.

Finally, he was there, the police station on sight. Alec sighed, hunched his posture and entered, making sure to hide part of his face. Almost no one paid any attention to him, his lack of any particular smell making it easy for him to stay in the shadows and slip through the werewolves, making his way upstairs, where he knew Luke's office was, from Magnus' tales. He paused in front of the door, but as there were no voices coming from the room, and something was telling him that Luke was alone, he entered, making sure to close the door after himself. 

The detective looked up at him with surprise, which turned into shock and confusion when Alec took his hood off. The werewolf jumped to his feet but didn't shout, for which the shadowhunter was glad, that would raise attention. Alec took a deep breath and looked Luke straight in the eyes.

"Hello. We need to talk," he said carefully but firmly, making sure to stay in place. He didn't want the other man attacking him, he didn't come here to fight.

"Who are you?" Luke asked, eyes narrowed, body ready to attack. At least he was only prepared, and not really doing something.

"Alec Lightwood," he answered, slowly coming closer and continued, not giving the detective time to talk more. "Yes, I died, believe me I remember that, but I'm back. Still a Shadowhunter, with my own soul."

Luke looked at him with suspicion, clearly not believing a word, but maybe willing to listen. Alec was very glad for that, but he had to act quickly.

"Listen, I'd answer with the Soul Sword but, unfortunately, we don't have it, as you already know. The Queen made sure to inform you," Alec said bitterly, his past mistakes weighing him down. It wasn't the right time to think about it though. "I need you to believe me, but I don't know how to do it. I only have my words and runes."

The werewolf looked at him for a long moment in silence, before carefully coming closer, stepping in front of the desk.

"Use your steele," he commanded, clearly having made up his mind. "At least I'll know you're a Shadowhunter. And show me your parabatai rune."

Alec nodded and took off his hoodie, before taking his steele, which was somehow in his pocket after everything. He thought for a moment, before taking his blade too, and cutting at his forearm. Luke came closer, alarmed, but the Shadowhunter only raised his steele, and drew an Iratze, both of them watching as the wound closed. He looked up at the other man questioningly, and Luke only nodded towards his shirt. Alec sighed and lifted it up, letting the werewolf see the parabatai rune, black and normal-looking as ever.

Luke exhaled and sat down on the desk, looking at him with suprise.

"So, you're you. How's that possible?" he asked, clearly in shock, but not hostile anymore.

"It's a long story, but the Angels decided that it wasn't my time yet and they brought me back, to take care of his mess," Alec said impatiently, already pulling on his hoodie, ready to act. "That's not really important anymore, I need to go to the Seelie Queen, and convince her, somehow, not to start that war. You're the only ally I've thought about."

Once again, Luke was stunned speechless, looking at him questioningly. Alec was ready to answer all of his questions, but not in that moment, when every second was valuable.

"I know it's a lot but we need to act quick. We can't deal with another war and I'm sure you know it already. We need to do something, and we need to do it fast."

Silence fell after his words, both of them thinking about the future, about the Queen and the war. It was a tricky situation, as neither of them really knew what could be done to avoid the war with the Seelies, the Queen was a very stubborn, cold woman. Alec suspected she didn't have any humanity left in her, all of the warmth and emotions drained away, by age and power. 

"We need to get there first," Luke said, getting up. "I'll let my pack know that I have some business to attend to, it won't be a problem. Do you have any plans and ideas?" he asked, already rummaging through the desk, setting things in motion.

Alec shook his head sadly, he was feeling a bit hopeless. Doing things for the sake of just doing something, without a plan wasn't really his style, but the situation called for desperate measures, like going in blind. There was something very wrong about the situation, about the Queen's actions. Why would he kill him? She gained nothing but enemies, the Clave on her head and lack of any allies. Or maybe she didn't.

"Do you think she may be working with Valentine?" Alec asked suddenly, making Luke look up at him sharply. "Killing me was a very stupid and immature move, if we look at it from strategic point of view. It only makes sense if Valentine told her to do it, as a price for protection and power," he kept talking, pieces falling together.

Seelie Queen was unpredictable, looking only for her own gain, not caring about anyone else, even her own people. It was a dangerous game, unless she had a powerful ally, someone to back her up in the worst times. Declaring a war against the Clave, without the support of other Downworlders was a very risky move, as her army was great, but not greater than the Shadowhunters, with years of experience in fighting Downworlders. The only explanation that made sense was her working with Valentine, which would also explain why would she kill Alec. Aside from being the Head, he was also Jace's parabatai, and the madman still thought he could make the blonde join him, if only he could get him away from Alec's influence. Making the Queen kill him was a genius move.

 

“I want to say it’s not the case, but I can’t,” Luke admitted, as he finished everything in the office and then looked at him questioningly. “How are you going to get out unnoticed?”

“The same way I came in,” Alec shrugged and covered his face with a hood, hunching over once again.

He used to walk like that all the time, months ago, in what felt like another life, before Magnus. The warlock made him stand up straight, towering over everyone, head high and frame sure, and Alec was infinitely thankful for that, for making him believe, that he could be that man. That man, who lead the Institute and made changes, whose opinion mattered and who could stand his point. He smiled for a moment, before thinking of Magnus made his smile fall, as he remembered everything that had happened between them later.

He shook his face to clear his thoughts and slid out of the room with a pointed look in Luke’s direction. With only one hiccup, Alec got out of the building, trying to look as normal as possible, while sneaking out of the police station. He leaned into the wall and waited, hands in the pockets, Luke probably talking to his pack.

Immediately, his thoughts wandered to Magnus, who was still convinced that he was dead, all alone and grieving and Alec could feel his heart breaking with the desire to see his boyfriend, comfort him. Only, he wasn’t ready, even if he so desperately wanted to, wished he could hold Magnus in his arms and tell him everything was okay, even though it really wasn’t. Alec sighed, sad and disappointed in himself, in his inability to confront Magnus, show him he was alive, get him out of his misery. Yet, he found himself too weak to actually do it, the memory of his death still fresh in his mind.

Alec didn’t blame Magnus for what had happened, not in the slightest, it wasn’t his fault the Queen was a traitor. It was more about walking away from him, giving up on them, after everything that had happened. Yes, he had made a mistake, even if he had meant well, but they could’ve worked it out, together, trying to fix it all. Magnus walking away from him had been like a hot knife to his chest, and Alec could swear it had been the moment his heart broke. It was all too fresh just yet, too painful to face Magnus, even without the trauma of his death. Yet, Alec knew that he’d have to do it, very soon. It was cruel to let Magnus suffer, thinking him dead, when it was not longer true.

He was thrown out of his musings by Luke stepping out, face serious and shoulders tense. Alec walked closer to him and they started walking in silence, both of them lost in thought. It wasn’t a long walk to the Central Park, where the entrance to the Seelie Court was hidden, but the dark night made it so much more meaningful. Two leaders on their way to try and prevent war from happening, almost funny against the whole army that surely awaited in the Faerieland. It sounded like a suicide mission and Alec felt uneasy, but the Angels had to have a reason to send him there, especially as they wanted to keep him alive.

Finally, Luke broke the tense silence.

“Have you talked to Magnus?” he asked, voice kind and curious, not a trace of judgement in it and Alec was once more glad for choosing Luke.

“No,” he answered shortly and then continued when the werewolf looked at him with raised eyebrows. “I want to and I will, but I’m just...not ready yet,” Alec tried to explain, glancing at the other man.

Luke nodded, clearly deep in thought and Alec waited in silence, tense and unsure of his reaction. The werewolf was close to Magnus, so he could become angry and the Shadowhunter needed him as an ally, he was the only person he could think of and losing him could be fatal.

“I understand. I’m not happy with you, Magnus is suffering now, but I understand why you did it. It’s a messy situation and I get that you’re not ready to see him yet,” Luke spoke softly, still not a trace of judgement in his voice.

Alec breathed a sigh of relief and smiled at him.

“I know that I need to talk to him, soon. I don’t want him to suffer,” he said softly. Just imagining Magnus in pain was hard and knowing, that his love was there, all guilty and broken, made him want to go to him immediately and assure him that everything was alright. He couldn’t though, and that made Alec feel even worse, furious with himself, for not being able to face him just yet.

“Don’t beat yourself up, kid,” Luke’s voice broke him from his thoughts. “You’ll be ready soon, and you’ll talk to him, I know it. It’s okay to take time and focus on yourself, your own mental health. You don’t have to give everything up for the person you love, certainly not your own needs.”

Alec fell silent after that, processing what he’d heard. He wanted to give Magnus the world, all of himself, but maybe… Maybe giving himself up wasn’t the right way. He had to remember, that their relationship consisted of two people, so he couldn’t just focus completely on Magnus. It was about the both of them and he had to take that in consideration, while beating himself up.

He nodded at Luke gratefully and they continued walking in silence, until finally they reached the Central Park. The closer they got to the entrance, the more agitated and stressed Alec was becoming, his instincts screaming at him for some reason. A quick glance at Luke confirmed that the other man was also looking around, posture tense and ready to defend himself. They stopped right before the entrance to the Court and looked at each other.

“Something isn’t right,” the werewolf said quietly, clearly struggling to hear something, even though they weren’t inside yet.

Alec nodded and took a deep breath, his new instincts acting up, bringing the power up to his fingertips, making them tingle. He looked down and noticed tiny flames and sparks around his fingers, lighting up the night a bit and he sent the surprised Luke a tight smile.

“I’ll explain later,” he said shortly and they entered the Faerieland, only to be met with screams and heat.

Before Luke could say anything, Alec pulled them down, just as an arrow flew by, hitting another armed Seelie. They looked at each other with wide eyes and carefully stood up, both of them ready to attack. Alec summoned his bow, one glowing arrow ready and looked around.

It seemed like there were two opposing groups but Alec didn’t know them well enough to gather what was the reason for the sudden fighting. He and Luke moved through the gardens carefully, trying to remain unseen and get to the Court, hoping to get some answers. The Faeries around them seemed determined and Alec was almost horrified by the screams and their forcefulness, fighting like it was the last fight of their life. 

Suddenly, something tugged at his mind, and before he knew it, Alec was running in another direction, fasterfasterfaster, almost desperate to get somewhere, before it was too late. He could feel tension squeezing his throat, making his fingers itch, the warmth spreading from his sternum over his whole body, like a waterfall. He could hear Luke screaming at him, but it didn’t matter, it was a distraction from getting there, as fast as possible. 

Then, there was a familiar feeling of magic washing over him, making him feel at home. Magnus. It was Magnus and his magic, close and in danger. It made Alec react before he knew it, and in less than a heartbeat, he had an arrow flying through the air, burying itself in some Seelie’s shoulder. The Fae screamed and fell down, a bright blast of energy following, this time coming from Alec’s right hand, which was itching like crazy.

His eyes immediately found Magnus, who was crouching next to Meliorn, the Fae wounded and almost unconscious. Alec stood over there, shooting arrow after arrow, Luke moving close to him, taking out anyone who’d dare to come close to them. Angel’s Grace was flowing through him like liquid fire, lighting up his bones and blood, making him feel invincible. His arrows glowed, deadly and fast, enhanced with Raziel’s magic, and finally, after what felt like an hour, they stopped coming. Still buzzing with adrenaline, Alec spread his arms wide, fire following, encircling them safely. 

Finally, Alec took a deep breath and turned around, finding two pair of eyes on him, one just surprised, and the second one shocked and unbelieving. He smiled tentatively at Magnus and stepped a bit closer, like his warlock called to him, even though he stayed silent. 

“Are you hurt?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there you go, the Malec reunion. I do love my cliffhangers though, so you'll have to wait for the continuation.
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked it or if you didn't and tell me what you think. Also, what you expect from the Malec reunion. It's partly written already, but I always love to read your opinions and ideas.
> 
> Love you <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's kind of short, but I'm sick and I know that if I won't post it now, it'll be another week. I'm very grateful for all of your kind comments, thank you very much <3  
> It's a bit of a transition chapter, so please be patient with me.

Magnus was almost sure that somewhere in the mess in the Fairyland he had been killed, as it was Alexander standing there, over them, bow firm in his hands. He watched, with wide eyes, as his Shadowhunter shoot down a Seelie after Seelie, a surge of power coming from the man every time he released an arrow, which glowed slightly. It was breathtaking to watch, almost an ethereal display of power and skill, magic and Shadowhunter training working perfectly together. It was only after his Alexander had made the fire appear, all bright and red, unnatural, that Magnus was snapped from his trance.

He looked at his Angel, not believing what he was seeing, as Alexander Lightwood was standing there, as imposing as ever, almost radiating power, the fire reflecting in his hazel eyes. Magnes felt like choking, air suddenly not going in the right place, his throat closed off. He was shaking all over, shock and disbelief almost overpowering him completely. It was impossible, no one had the power to bring people back from the dead, yet his Alexander was there, looking a bit worried. Magnus was aware that he had said something, but it was as if the whole world came through a cotton wall, the sounds dulled considerably. 

Magnus watched as his boyfriend came a bit closer, the shaking getting even worse, and suddenly Luke was there, taking Meliorn from his arms, letting the warlock rest. He tightened his fingers into fists, trying to stop the trembling, but nothing helped. His heart made an effort to jump from his chest, his heartbeat fast ad erratic and he found himself breathing shallowly, eyes still locked on Alexander. Then, Alec touched his face gently and the world stopped spinning, as the truth came to him.

“Why did you break so early?” he asked in a whisper, heartbroken.

It was natural for souls to break under the pressure of Hell and he was sure that the Queen made every effort to send his Angels down, instead of his fated Heaven. He only lamented that it happened so fast, his Alexander had always been so strong… Maybe it was the promise of coming back, being able to help them, as long as he came back to Hell, like a loyal dog. It broke Magnus’ heart, that his Alexander wasn’t really himself anymore, that his soul no longer belonged to the world of living, but to that awful, tarnished place, where his father resided. 

Alexander looked at him with surprise coloring his face, clearly not understanding what Magnus had said. It was easy to believe, that his boyfriend really didn’t know what he had said, that he really wasn’t a demon in human body, as his eyes were as soft and warm as they always had been. Magnus squeezed his own eyes shut and let out a long breath, trying to stop the tears.

“Magnus, what is it? Calm down, please,” Alec whispered, voice gentle but urgent, crouching next to him.

It only made the warlock cry more, he didn’t deserve that warmth and care, he didn’t deserve Alec’s attention, not after what he had done. Even if the archer wasn’t a Shadowhunter anymore, Magnus still didn’t deserve his time and careful hands on his face, catching the tears. A sob tore free from his throat, unwanted and out of place on the battlefield, but he just couldn’t stop himself. 400 years of experience in hiding his emotions were useless when it came to Alexander Lightwood, with his warm hazel eyes. He had always had the uncanny ability to tear off any of Magnus’ walls, destroying everything the warlock had  thought he knew.

“Why did you agree?”he asked desperately, not caring that his makeup was destroyed and the glamour down. “We could’ve made it ourselves, you didn’t need to sacrifice yourself again.”

Alec looked at him, confused and a bit worried, but Magnus’ eyes were already blurred with tears. He felt himself being pulled into his chest, face hiding in Alec’s neck, the archer’s arms around his body. It felt like always, warm and safe, like nothing had changed.  But in reality, it did and it broke Magnus’ heart even further. He wanted to say that he’d prefer Alec to stay dead, but it would be lie. He wanted Alexander in any form he could get him, if only the price of it wouldn’t be his boyfriend’s suffering. 

  
  


* * *

 

 

Alec couldn’t make sense of Magnus’ words, his heart and mind at war with each other, one longing to calm the warlock down, and the other needing to put space between them. It was hard to take control of the raging emotions and confusing desires, and Alec could feel himself becoming overwhelmed by what was happening. He knew he had to pull himself together and take control of the situation, but Magnus was making it so hard to breathe, to think clearly.

Suddenly, there wasn’t enough air to breathe, his throat closing off once again, as his mind shut down. Alec was aware that the fire was still burning, maybe even brighter than before as his power was still there, but nothing else came to him. There was Magnus, close to him, way too close, because even though his heart longed for the warlock, his mind was locked on the terrible memories of his death, Magnus’ cold, angry eyes. 

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, before someone knelt next to him, and there was a heavy, big hand on his back. He gasped and tried to focus. Luke was there, looking concerned but not surprised, his breathing slow and loud enough for Alec to follow it. It wasn’t the first time he had had a panic attack, so he just did what he had always done and, although it took some time, gradually, Alec was able to get his breathing and senses under control. 

When he came to, Magnus and Meliorn were gone, the fire ring was still burning, and the sound of the fight quietened down a bit. He took a deep, slow breath and carefully stood up, Luke’s hand still on his shoulder, keeping him steady. Alec looked around and noticed that there were no more Faes coming closer, and the burning smoke decreased a bit.

“The fight is finished?” he asked quietly, slowly reaching for his bow.

“The battle - yes. The war - no,” came Luke’s response and Alec nodded, as the fire died down, allowing them to walk away, closer to the exit. There was no point in staying there, they didn’t know who was on which side.

“What it is about?” Alec inquired further, an arrow already on the string, ready to attack at any moment. He didn’t feel safe there, and his emotions were still all over the place, making him more jumpy than usual.

“Part of them rebelled against the Queen,” Luke started explaining, nodding at Alec’s surprised look. “Apparently, she’s been working with Valentine, which is why she had killed you. He had wanted you gone, both from Jace’s life and from the Institute. He  had told her about the Sword, probably to mess the cooperation between Shadowhunters and Downworlders. We’re quite powerful while united.”

He listened in silence, not really surprised by Queen’s betrayal and Valentine’s intentions. It was quite clear, once he stopped for a moment and thought about everything that had happened. As a strategist, he could see how dangerous they have gotten to Valentine’s plan, and striking at the Shadow World power couple, as Izzy called them, was one of the best shots. He couldn’t have predicted Angel’s involvement, which gace them element of surprise.

“They can’t know I’m back. The Queen and Valentine, not until we’re ready to strike,” Alec decided, meeting Luke’s eyes. “I’ll come back and we’ll work together, but we need to keep it quiet. As long as we can surprise them when it comes to the final battle, we have big chances to win.”

There was also the case of the Mortal Instruments, which Valentine needed to summon Raziel. Alec found it weird, that something that Angels had given them, could hold so much power over them, forcing them to fulfill one request. He knew Raziel on a personal level, and seeing that calm, composed being, forced to obey Valentine, one of the most violent and cruel men Alec knew about. It was wrong, and he knew they couldn’t let that happen.

“Meliorn is with Magnus and Raphael, I know they called Catarina to help them,” Luke commented. “It’d be easy to ask them not to tell anyone, at least for a moment.”

“Thank you,” he breathed relieved. “I still have family to talk to, so I’ll just text you when I’ll get some information from Clave,” Alec said with a little smile, as they stopped in the park. 

It was chilly outside, the night slowly making place for a sunrise, sky lighting up a bit, painting with shy beige and light blue. New York was waking up more and more, and Alec felt the exhaustion creeping in, as the adrenaline faded. There was so much to do, it was almost overwhelming, but rushing in wouldn’t help them. Alec had to rest and think, reunite with his family, assure them that he was fine. Then, he had to deal with the Clave, stand his point and make a change. There had been responsibility placed on his shoulders, and even though Alec still felt a bit insecure, Luke’s faith and support, along with Jace’s warm presence through the bond made it easier. He wasn’t alone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Sneaking into the Institute was as easy as it always had been, and Alec sent a text to Jace, asking him to meet him. He knew he’d need any support he could get to convince Izzy and his mother that he was, in fact, real and himself. Parabatai bond would be a big help, that he was sure of, but getting the Clave to believe him… That was bound to be tricky, especially as his new powers were basically that of a warlock. He sighed and slid into the armory, which was empty thanks to the hour, the corridors dark and quiet. Then, Jace was there, in changed clothes, determined and sure.

Alec smiled at his parabatai and steeled himself for the confrontation with Isabelle and his Mother, who were both very probable to attack him on sight. He took a deep breath and then they were there, weapons already out.

The reunion was a bit of a blur for Alec, with made explanations and hushed screams and near stabbings. The only constant, was Jace’s warmth and steady presence, backing him up and taking over the conversation when Alec got stuck in memories. Together, they managed to work through it, leaving his sister and mother breathless, surprised and relieved. They stood there in silence for a few moments, before Izzy almost thrown herself at Alec, a sobbing laugh escaping her mouth.

The archer caught her in a strong, warm hug, letting the woman cry herself out, squeezing him. Maryse stood near, tears in her eyes but a smile on her face, watching her children reconnect. Jace walked closer to her and hesitantly squeezed her shoulder, smiling at her shyly. He looked at his siblings, then back at her, and pointed at them.

The woman looked at them for a few more seconds, before coming closer and gently hugging her son, unsure if she was allowed to. Alec only smiled and her, and pulled her close, allowing her to hear his heartbeat. His mother may not have been a mother of the year and for some time he had been sure, that she hated him, but she was still his mother. And she was trying. He could see how much his death had affected her, and hugging her after so many years felt nice.

Alec couldn’t remember the last time she had hugged him like that, not for show, and although it hurt, he let it go. She was trying to change and do better and he appreciated that. It was hard to change sometimes, and the road was long and bumpy, but Alec knew that from experience. The effort counted, especially when she was hugging him close, eyes shut and tears running down her face, probably for the first time since he had died. They were getting better, slowly but surely. It was all that counted at that small moment.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that wasn't a real Malec reunion, but sometimes the road to happiness is longer that we'd like. I don't want to rush into things, so they'll work it all out, but in all due time. I do promise a proper talk in the next chapter though!
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked the chapter and tell me more about what you think I should do. I love reading your suggestions and opinions!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being patient and waiting, your kind comments under my author's note were heartwarming. As I mentioned, I had some major changes in my life and I'm currently at university, quite far away from my home. I really hope I can write and post chapters continiously now, though it all depends on how mu studies will go.
> 
> As of now, I'm back with the long awaited Malec meeting, though I'm afraid it's not exactly what you wanted. Yet, "What lies ahead I have no way of knowin' but under my feet baby, the grass is growing'. It's time to move on, it's time to get goin'."

Being back in his room seemed surreal, and Alec had to remind himself that he was, in fact, alive again. He had been dead for less than 2 days, but the memories of what had happened changed his perception. Going to sleep ended in screaming himself awake, the nightmare all too real, making his skin crawl. While he used to have nightmares sometimes, they never had been this intense, though they’ve never been just memories either. Alec’d been trying to shove his death away, constant problems and surprises making it easier, but in black silence of his room it was impossible.

He had practically moved in with Magnus, so sleeping on the small, hard bed seemed wrong, and he longed for comfortable sheets and his beautiful warlock cuddled up to him, warm breaths on his skin. Alec fell back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, feeling out of place, both in this room and in the land of living. Everything was a mess and the rebellion in the Faerieland only made it worse, though he could see how it was a good thing, in a long run. Everything that made the Queen, and therefore Valentine, weaker was a good thing, but a war was a big thing, especially since Shadowhunters and Downworlders no longer worked together, his death creating a big rift. 

Alec sighed and stood up. It was almost 4am and he knew there would be no more sleep, and lying down doing nothing made him itch. It was as if the Grace inside him urged him to act, do something, only there wasn’t much he could do. Except for talking to Magnus.

He paused on his way to the bathroom, even the mention of his boyfriend’s name painful, yet soothing at the same time. Alec missed him so much, but the thought of seeing him again, confronting him after everything that had happened between them, and in the Shadow World… It was just messy, and he felt out of his depth, though that wasn’t anything new, not with Magnus. That man made him step out of his comfort zone and do something different, change his thinking and behaviour, even if he didn’t have any idea how that would turn out. Maybe it was the time to do the same? Just face the music, try to mend things, change for better. 

Before he knew it, Alec was standing half naked in front of his big mirror, harsh bathroom lights making it easy to see every changes and imperfections. He raised his hand to gently trace where the vain had gone through his chest, wanting to check if something was different, and that was when he noticed a new rune. Alec frowned, lowering his hand, staring at the black lines. It wasn’t anything he knew or even saw anywhere, but again, it was of purely Angelic origin so… 

The rune reminded him a bit of a sword and arrow molded together, gentle lines going from it, reminding him of flames maybe? He wasn’t an artist by any means, but this one looked both solid and ethereal, sitting right on his sternum, quite big actually. Alec’s mind went to the battle in the Faerieland, where something in his chest, sternum, had burned, urging him to act. He traced the rune gently, the skin the same temperature as the rest of him and shrugged. Michael hadn’t put anything about it in his impromptu lesson, so there wasn’t much to be done about it. 

He stepped under the warm water, taking the first shower since his death, muscles relaxing almost immediately. It felt good, real, to take a shower, just let his mind wander for a moment, convincing himself that it was real, that the impossible had happened. Finally, Alec shook himself awake and stepped out, the bathroom full of steam, warm and comforting. He had to force his thoughts away from Magnus, trying to delay the inevitable. It was pointless, as his heart ached to be with him, but his mind rebelled.

The warlock hurt him greatly, and seeing him walk away, like there was nothing between them, like Alec didn’t matter. Like he wasn’t worth the effort, while Magnus had been the one to mention that relationships take effort. Was he really that disposable, this easy to leave? Alec knew he had messed up, lies never did any good to a relationship, and he was sorry, it was his mistake, one that he would never repeat again. Yet, Magnus’d left, without letting him speak and even Alec, with no relationship experience knew, that communication is always important. 

What had happened later wasn’t something he wanted to think about either, but if they wanted to make it work, conversation was necessary. Alec really did want to make it work, but Magnus… That was a whole another story, and while a few days ago he would’ve said that his boyfriend was in it too, loved him wholly, after everything that had happened he wasn’t so certain anymore. Nothing was certain in the situation they were in, both personally and professionally and it left him unstable and jumpy. 

Alec dressed quickly, his weapons attached too, bow already glamoured, arrows ready. He wasn’t sure what he would encounter outside of the Institute, not with the war going on, demons all around New York. He sent a quick text to Jace, knowing that his parabatai would worry and panic if he’d just disappear, and sneaked out, his new abilities working without his conscious effort. It irked him a bit, his lack of real control over what was happening with his body. Michael’s teaching done its job, but left Alec without any practice, therefore he couldn’t use his powers at demand. They worked mostly on instinct.

The walk cleared his head a bit, but Alec could feel his heart beating faster, as he came closer to Magnus’ loft, which became his home, somewhere along the way. Luke had already texted him, that the warlock was alone, as Meliorn was staying with the werewolf for a while, and Raphael had his clan to take care of. Alec’s heart was pounding, as he climbed the stairs, so he forced himself to breathe evenly and knocked, heart almost jumping from his chest.

His palms were sweating when he heard steps coming closer to the door, and even the years spent training himself to stay cool couldn’t help him. Magnus made everything brighter, but also more chaotic, he defied all rules, broke down his walls and habits. It had always been impossible to keep calm next to him, keep his emotions in check, everything too intense to contain. Alec took a deep breath and froze, as the door started to open.

Magnus looked like a wreck, but for the Shadowhunter he was still beautiful, breathtaking as always. Part of him wanted to immediately embrace the man, soothe his pains, tell him it was okay, but another, maybe bigger part of him was just too hurt, both mentally and emotionally to do anything more than just stand there.

“Alexander…” Magnus breathed, and Alec’s heart warmed. The man still said his name the same way, even shocked and not understanding a thing.

“Magnus,” he found his voice again, gravelly and heavy. “Can I come in?”

The question hovered in the air for a moment, before the warlock stepped aside, letting Alec in. The moment he was inside, the smell and atmosphere made him pause, beautiful, bright memories coming to his mind. Somewhere along the way Magnus’ loft started to feel like home, the safe haven where he could be himself, relax and let his guard down. He used to adore coming there, but after everything that had happened, it hurt. There was this empty space between them, air uncomfortable and almost physically painful. 

Alec couldn’t let his guard down, his body not listening to his heart, staying tense and ready for attack, while a few days ago just stepping in the loft made him relax and discard his weapons. 

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced,” he started awkwardly, and it was wrong too. He had learned to be confident and happy around Magnus, words coming easier and with less hesitancy. “But I think we need to talk about...everything.”

Magnus nodded silently and gestured towards the couch, which for some reason looked less vibrant, just like the whole loft. It felt cold and lonely, and Alec ached, knowing it was his absence that made that difference. They settled on the sofa, not really facing each other and let the silence take over again. Neither of them wanted to talk, but Alec knew it was necessary. They had to work it out, try to do something.

 

“Listen, Magnus, we can’t just sit here,” Alec broke the silence again, after seeing that the other man wasn’t in hurry to do so, probably shocked and out of his depth.

“I know,” came the quiet response, and he cringed at the vulnerability and pain in Magnus’ voice. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, if the man had decided to leave him, it shouldn’t have had such a big impact on him. “Luke told me you weren’t in hell.”

Alec gasped, shocked and looked at him with wide eyes, suddenly understanding his mumblings, back at the battlefield. Hell? He wasn’t even sure if Shadowhunters could go there, because while their blood didn’t make them superior, it could theoretically shield them from eternal damnation.

“No! I was...upstairs,” he tried to explain, almost squirming in place. Everything was so much harder with Magnus.

“Upstairs?” Magnus echoed faintly, not looking at him. “You mean Heaven?”

Alec nodded silently, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. With Jace it had been easy, his soul falling in place with its other half, making the words tumble out. Magnus though, made everything so much harder, both because of the feelings Alec had for him, and the painful memories of their last encounter. Everything had been so much easier at the beginning, even though it hadn’t felt like that, when their biggest problems had been his wedding. He sighed deeply and tried not to slouch, aiming to be confident. He knew Magnus could see right through that, the warlock knew him so well, but as it turned out, not well enough.

“Apparently, I died way too soon, at least according to the Angels,” he shrugged, noticing Magnus’ wince at the mention of his death.

He didn’t want to hurt his love, but it had happened, and they had to deal with the fallout, however much it pained them both.

“You did,” came the quiet reply for his boyfriend and Alec just shrugged again, not wanting to watch the man as they talked about it. 

“What’s done is done,” Alec said, desperately trying to hold back a sob that wanted to break free. Talking about his death, about the moment he could feel the pain, the crunch of his bones. 

“We cannot change the past, no matter how much we may want it.”

“If only it could be so easy,” the Shadowhunter sighed, letting his head fall back on the couch.

He wasn’t sure what to say next, the words stuck in his throat, silent and painful, both of them frozen in that strange silence, like two strangers. Alec didn’t want to forget all good things that had happened, all those bright mornings and laughs, cuddling on the bed, deep conversations. It was too precious to him, Magnus too important, the love of his life. At the same time, it was hard to imagine the future with the man, the memories overpowering, Magnus’ cold stare, his indifference, his willingness to let the Queen take him. There was war inside Alec’s mind and heart, one he knew wouldn’t be easily won by either side.

“Why did they send you back?” Manus asked after a moment of silence, clearly just trying to start a conversation, none of them wanting to get to the point. It was too painful.

“They have a plan for me, they believe I can end this war, change Shadowhunters,” Alec shrugged once again, staring into the wall, not really believing what he was saying.

He was so young and inexperienced, and while that meant the he was more open minded than the old generation, it also meant more mistakes, stupid ones too. Like lying about the Soul Sword, his lack of self-confidence, obeying the Clave’s orders. Alec couldn’t see, what it was about him, that made the Angels act like they had.

“You can.”

Alec glanced at Magnus surprised, but the man was stubbornly not looking at him, hunched over, miserable and exhausted. He wanted to pull his boyfriend close, let him lean on him and sleep, then take him out for a dinner, just relax. Yet, he couldn’t because no matter how much they both wanted things to be the same, they weren’t. It wasn’t impossible to rebuild what they had, but it would take time and effort. Time Alec wasn’t sure they had.

“It doesn’t matter much. I have a job that needs to be done, or it’ll all be doomed,” Alec sighed, feeling the responsibility on his shoulders.

“What do you need of me?” Magnus asked, all businesslike and formal.

Alec cringed hearing it, the warlock had never been like this towards him, even at the beginning. Then, he looked at him, catching Magnus’ agonised eyes and it all became clear. The warlock was lost and hurt, drowning in guilt, having survived 3 days thinking that Alec’s death was his fault. The Shadowhunter cursed quietly, took a deep breath and made Magnus look at him, heart beating madly. He was touching his warlock again.

“Magnus, my death wasn’t your fault,” he said firmly, and then continued, as his boyfriend’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth. “The Queen wanted me dead because Valentine did, it would’ve happened anyway. It wasn’t your fault.”

Magnus started to shake his head, tears welling up in his gorgeous eyes, the glamour dropping without his notice. He was beautiful, even broken and desperate and Alec wanted to soothe him, even if he couldn’t. It wasn’t the time yet, they had a long way to go. 

“I told her, Alexander,” Magnus started and Alec’s breath caught, hearing his name on his lover’s lips. “I knew how she was and I gave you away, let her do it all… I may’ve as well uttered the kill order.”

Alec closed his eyes and let his hands drop to his lap, Magnus crying openly. His own eyes were watering, but he held himself back. There was a conversation needed. 

“Listen, I’m not saying that what you did was okay, that it didn’t hurt me,” he started, heart breaking at the warlock’s sob. “But you didn’t kill me, Magnus, that's not on you.”

Silence fell after his words, both of them lost in their pain, their longing for each other. It was terrible, sitting just next to Magnus and feeling as if there were miles between them, strangers instead of lovers, boyfriends. Alec hated it with his whole being, but at the same time it was safer, keeping distance, not getting too close. It had turned out, that trying to mend their positions and private lives wasn’t possible, that someone was bound to get hurt. Apparently, they couldn’t do it.

“I’d do anything to go back and do it differently,” Magnus whispered hoarsely, voice wet with tears. “To let you speak, listen to you. We could’ve worked it out.”

Alec closed his eyes, trying desperately to stop the tears, sob stuck somewhere in his chest. Everything hurt, his heart, throat, runes, back, where the wings were hidden, aching to be let out. It had never happened before, even with his parabatai and family but Magnus as always made him react differently.

“I wish it went differently,” he admitted quietly, eyes still closed. “I wish you didn’t leave me standing there. I know I’ve made a mistake, but it wasn’t okay to leave me there, like I didn’t matter. You told me that relationships took effort, so why suddenly I wasn’t worth it?”

“You were, Angel, you were and you are,” came Magnus’ response, choked up and teary. He never wanted to make him cry, but it had to be said. “I’m so so sorry, by the Angel, I’m so sorry…”

Alec nodded, stubbornly refusing to look at him, to open his eyes. He knew that if he did, he’d just tug Magnus close, soothe his pain, and it wasn’t the time yet. He was hurting too, and the warlock had taught him, that putting yourself first sometimes, was good. Luke’s comment came to his mind too, that he had to remember not to give the other person his everything, because there would be nothing left.

“I know you are, Magnus,” Alec whispered, finally opening his eyes, though he still refused to even glance at the other man. “And I wish it was that easy, that I could just let go of what happened. But I can’t.”

His words once again hovered in the silence, painfully cutting into Magnus’ heart. The Shadowhunter winced, hearing his love break down, aching to do something, but also to just leave, escape. But, Alexander Lightwood wasn’t a coward, especially when it came to the love of his life. Because he still loved Magnus, that would never stop, as the warlock owned his heart. That fact, however, didn’t change that they had a long road to come, to make up for both of their mistakes. 

“W-what happens next, then?” Magnus asked, voice breaking at the beginning. 

The confident, charming warlock vanished, leaving a heartbroken, crushed man at his place, so human and vulnerable… Alec sighed and glanced at him, pain shooting from his heart at the sight of him. Tears were running down his naked face, the glamour down, golden eyes full of hurt and guilt. He didn’t want to see Magnus that way, the man should always be smiling gently, eyes warm and happy, his body relaxed.

This wasn’t the High Warlock of Brooklyn, his charming boyfriend, or even that scared man, talking about his past. No, this was a shell of a man, left with pain and emptiness. Alec could see, that Magnus had braced himself for rejection, body tense, eyes shut, tears escaping nonetheless. It wasn’t what he wanted for either of them, that terrible loneliness. It didn’t have to be the end.

The Shadowhunter took a deep breath and reached out, catching Magnus’ hand in his own. The warlock looked up at him, shocked, but desperately clutched it, as if scared he would let go. Alec had no intentions of letting go though, because no matter what had happened, Magnus was still the love of his life and he refused to let go of everything they’ve had. They could still have it, even if the road would take some time.

“We go further. I won’t let this end like that, I won’t let us end. No matter how much it’ll take to fix everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was it to your liking? I sure hope so, but let me know what you think! Your comments give me life, all you lovely people <3


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am sorry for being such a shit author, but uni is so much more intense that I though it would be, and all those hard subjects really take toll on me. But finally, I managed to write something, that I may not be completely happy with, but it;s better than nothing I guess.

Alec could see tears running down Magnus’ face, a breathtaking if hesitant smile slowly forming and something in his chest constructed. Suddenly, he wasn’t ready to talk anymore, wasn't ready to stay in the same room as the warlock. He just wanted to tell the other man, that it wasn’t the end, but suddenly, Alec realised that it wasn’t the beginning of something either, not just yet. He wasn’t ready, and after the emotional rollercoaster slowed down, he felt as if everything crashed. The room was too small and he felt claustrophobic, like the walls were coming closer, threatening to cage him and Magnus’, usually soothing and calming eyes sent him spiralling down the memory lane.

Those same eyes, cold and furious, looking at him as if he were a stranger, not Magnus’ boyfriend, not someone the warlock loved. The man walking away, discarding him like a used tissue, seemingly forgetting about everything that had been between them. With a sharp move, Alec took his hand away and tightened his fingers into a fist, desperately trying to ground himself, only it was impossible, because the only other person in the room, was the same person that left him standing there, heartbroken and alone, in the worst possible moment.

Alec knew that Magnus was saying something, but he just jumped to his feet and almost run to the door, leaning heavily against them. He had to get out, he couldn’t do it, he shouldn’t have done it. The Shadowhunter had thought that he was over it, that he could do it, but seeing Magnus, everything settling in.. It was just too much and he felt like suffocating once again.

He squeezed his eyes shut, only to open them immediately, the lack of air and darkness almost pushing him straight into his worst memories. Alec took a deep, shaky breath and forced himself to look at the other man, avoiding his eyes.

“I...I need to go, it’s just. It’s too much right now,” he forced out, almost choking on words, his whole body shaking.

When Magnus took a step closer, he almost flattened himself against the door, in order to get away from the other man. Alec, even without looking, knew that there was hurt and pain in the warlock’s eyes, but he didn’t feel guilty. It wasn’t something he could control and he needed to get out, to stop suffocating.

“I could make you a portal, Alexander…”

“No!” he shouted, even before Magnus could finish his sentence. It was ridiculous, but the fear that the portal would lead straight into the Seelie Court, straight to his death. It was ridiculous, but also terrifying, his inability to control his own reaction, how sudden and fast the change was, as of someone pushed a switch inside him. “I’ll… I’ll walk,” Alec added with a smile that probably looked more like a grimace and quickly slipped out of the loft, almost running down the stairs.

Once outside, he slid down the brick wall, New York loud and strangely calming all around him, the wind lightly messing his hair. Alec pulled his legs close to his chest and forced himself to keep his eyes open, trying to take deep breaths. He tried to remember those times when he had brought Jace back from a panic attack, but it was so much harder to apply on himself, when his head was working against him.

Time passed and something vibrated in his jacked from time to time, but Alec was too focused on breathing, trying to ground himself in the moment to notice. The smell of gasoline and humanity was helping, slowly pushing the smell of dirt and plants away, along with the faint taint of iron from his blood. Alec let his head rest on the cold brick and just sat there, as the sun climbed the sky, the morning falling around him. His breathing wasn’t as erratic as before, but he didn't want to move, didn’t want to ruin that delicate calm he had built around him.

Then, there were faint footsteps and someone calling his name, but for some reason, Alec was just too exhausted to even say anything, much less shout. Finally, whoever was calling stopped in front of him and immediately fell to their knees, hands on his shoulders. Alec jumped in spite of himself and opened his eyes, sparks already dancing on his fingertips, only to be met with Jace’s concerned face and sad eyes.

His parabatai looked at him for a moment, before pulling him into his arms, wrapping himself around Alec with enough force to be comforting without being constricting. The archer shuddered for a moment, before relaxing into the hold, letting the tension bleed out of his frame. He wasn’t slowly dying buried underground, alone and isolated, he was sitting in the dirty New York alley, with Jace next to him, finally grounding him in the moment.

It took him a moment, but finally Alec noticed that the blonde was whispering something, tone quiet and soothing, if a bit shaky and after taking a deep breath of Jace’s scent, he hesitantly leaned away, to look at the other man.

“Hi,” he croaked out, world a bit shaky but there, his throat finally working properly.

Jace sent him a smile, that was probably meant to be reassuring, but instead came across as worried and shaken. It wasn’t often that Alec broke down like that and he was still surprised and angry at himself, but al least this time Jace was there, true to his little oath of being better. Alec was grateful for that.

“What happened there?” Jace asked finally, after visibly fighting with himself, but Alec was glad, that his parabatai had decided to just go with it. He needed some sense of normality. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly and rolled his eyes at Jace’s unbelieving eyes. “I’m not lying, I don’t know…” Alec took a deep breath and continued, “Suddenly everything came crashing down, without any warning and I just had to get out.”

His words came out in a rush, almost tangled together, but he knew that his parabatai understood. Not that there was much to be understood, as even Alec wasn’t sure how to explain. One moment everything was...not good but pretty stable, and the next everything was wrong and he ended up in the middle of a panic attack. Illogical and unreasonable, as there was nothing that could trigger it and it made Alec angry, at not being able to control himself.

“Did Magnus do anything…?” came the next hesitant question and Alec shuddered at the mention of the warlock’s name, memories creeping up at him again. He pushed them down firmly and took a deep, calming breath.

“He didn’t, that’s the point. It just...happened. One moment good, next moment terrible,” he said frustrated, panic abating and making place for anger and confusion. He still didn’t feel well enough to consider moving, but at least he could hold a conversation… with his parabatai, which made it all easier.

Alec was sure that Jace could feel his emotions, his confusion and panic, that irrational fear of being buried alive, even though he was standing in the middle of a loft, a few floors above ground. It was so irrational, so out of place for the normally controlled Alec Lightwood, that he had no idea how to proceed.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Jace finally asked, not pushing, just proposing. “I’ll be there the whole time,” he promised and smiled at Alec gently. The archer sighed and nodded, they needed to get out of here, get to safety and the cold ground started to feel uncomfortable. He let Jace haul him upright and remained close to his parabatai, feeling unbalanced and vulnerable, as if the panic didn’t vanish, just settled in the corner of his mind, ready to strike at any moment. It made him feel on edge the whole time, and when he saw a redhead, as they walked, his whole body tensed, mind becoming blank and he reached for his bow.

Jace stopped him before he could draw the arrow, eyes wide and a bit panicked, and only then did Alec realise what he was doing. He froze, one hand on his bow, the other reaching for the arrow, body tense and one thought circling his mind. _'Threat.'_

“Alec?”Jace asked quietly, as he forcefully relaxed, panic once again creeping up at him.

What the hell was that? Reaching for weapons without any reason, almost attacking an innocent mundane? It was terrifying, how out of control of his own body he had been, as if something more primal took control. That terrible, overwhelming fear, pushing him to kill the threat, before they could kill him. He forced his hands to put the bow away, body still tight as a string, prepared for an attack that wouldn’t come.

“What’s happening to me?” Alec asked desperately, reaching out to grab Jace’s jacket, not trusting his own body. What if next time his parabatai wouldn’t be there? What if he actually went with his attack and put an arrow in an innocent woman, who just looked a bit like the Seelie Queen?

“We’re going to check it, okay? We’ll talk to Izzy and we’ll figure it out, I promise,” the blonde said firmly, looking Alec straight in the eyes, and that faith and determination made him relax another bit, enough to let go of Jace’s jacket.

Alec took a deep breath and once again nodded, as they walked to the Institute, this time faster and more focused on their goal. He felt terrible and knowing that he coould just like that attack someone? It was terrifying, absolutely terrible. Alec had always prided himself on his self-control and what was happening thrown his off-balance.

The way to the Institute took a moment, but Alec didn’t fully relax, his body always tense and prepared, though he didn’t reach for his weapons again. They had to sneak in again, because he really wasn’t ready to face the Clave, to deal with the whole mess that was probably already raging because of the rebellion in the Fairyland. Alec knew that it was something to be dealt with, and dealt with fast, but his own mind was a mess, and he had to be as stable and confident as possible, as he had to face both the Clave and Downworlders, gain their trust back. Somehow.

 

* * *

 

 

He had never spend much time in the labs, with Izzy, he never had much time to spare, always something on his mind, demanding his attention. He and his sister preferred to talk while sparring, or just in the evenings, sitting on the floor of his room. But, surprisingly, Alec found himself calming down the cool rooms, smelling faintly like chemicals, always a bit too dark. His sister was finishing the reading and Jace was leaning against his shoulder, both of them needing closeness, just like they had after the parabatai bonding ceremony. Alec smiled at the blonde faintly, as Isabelle turned to them with a serious face, eyes sad.

“I started looking as soon as you told me that you remember… That you remember your death, “ she paused for a moment, took a deep breath and continued, “And while it’s not exactly the same, I think that you developed a PTSD, which means a Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. It is a mental disorder that develops after being exposed to a traumatic event, like sexual assault or warfare, near-death experiences. We all know that you passed the scale, which means I can’t tell you exactly what’s wrong and how to make it better but the symptoms match,” she shrugged helplessly. “What had happened to you caused biochemical changes in your body, Alec, that won’t be easily fixed. I won’t go into the scientific talk, but it’s serious and it’s something you need to be aware of.”

Alec nodded, a bit stunned. PTSD? Wasn’t that something that mundane soldiers experienced, he had to read about that somewhere… Or maybe it was something he had seen in the TV? He shook his head and sighed.

“How long will it take for everything to go back to normal?” he asked finally. They had to fix it, before he completely lost his mind. He had a job, a serious one that could change the whole Shadow World.

“It doesn’t work like that, Alec,” Isabelle sighed and looked him straight in the eyes. “While the biochemical changes will slowly recede, there’s still the psychological aspect that’s very important. I also think that our upbringing can work in your favour here,” she said suddenly and they both looked at her with interest. “We’re used to death. We’re being told from a very young age that there’s a high possibility that we will die in young age and we face death all the time.”

What she said was brutal but true. Not many realised, that they were so used to death that they were practically suicidal, It was an honor, to die in a battle, fighting evil and it was such a big part of their culture, that not many noticed just how unnatural and terrifying it was.

“I’m no psychiatrist, but maybe it’ll soften the blow a bit, make it a bit easier for you… Of course only after you work through it, and while normally you would go to a therapist… We don’t really have that,” Izzy sighed.

Alec nodded, already exhausted. Death wasn't a walk in a park by any means, but he hadn’t realised just how difficult, coming back to life would be. He wanted to get things done, start building something solid for the unavoidable war with Valentine, but his own mind was working against him, and he was stuck in place, fighting his personal demons. It was exhausting and made him feel worthless, especially since Luke was probably already doing something and Raphael still had an injured Meliorn in the Hotel. He had to get himself together.

“You know I don’t have time for that, Izzy,” he breathed, squeezing his eyes shut. Maybe he could just push everything back for a moment? Just to get things done, and if he died again in the battle it wouldn’t matter anyway.

“It’s not a choice, Alec. You have to get through this, or everything will trigger a brutal walk down a memory lane, or a drastic flight-or-fight response,” she almost snarled and Alec was reminded of the way he had reacted to that redhead woman, back at the streets.

That could never happen again, but how could he waste time on trying to fight all those inside demons, when there were far too many of the real ones on the streets, killing innocent people and causing destruction? He had to get his position back and start working on convincing the Clave to really work with the Downworlders, not sit there and talk to himself.

“To answer a question, that Jace asked me earlier, why it only happened after a day of your being back in the world of living… Once again, I’m no psychiatrist, but I think it’s because you didn’t think about yourself much, as you tend to do. First was Jace, then Luke, then the rebellion and Mom, basically everything but you and your own feelings. So, when you came to see Magnus, it made you think of what do you want and feel, which opened the proverbial gates,” Isabelle explained after a small moment of silence.

Alec pondered about it for a moment, but it was a good theory. He really hadn’t thought about himself, everything always came first, one thing or another sitting in his mind. Only seeing Magnus made him so painfully aware of his feelings and desires. His talk with the warlock made him realise what did he really want and deserve out of their relationship, and yes, it also forced him to think about his death… It was all so complicated and Alec hated it.

They didn’t need any more problems, he didn’t need any more problems, not with his ethereal wings, Angel’s mission and a giant war on the horizon, with the added spice of Seelie's rebellion. The universe just had to add this whole PTSD problem, and maybe Alec could see why that happened, it just made everything so much more difficult, and he felt like suffocating again.

Then, there was Jace’s hand on his shoulder, his parabatai’s support coming through their bond and Alec smiled gently, looking into the blonde’s determined, mismatched eyes. Maybe he could do it.

__

* * *

 

 

Magnus stood there for a moment, frozen and scared, before the door closed and he slid to his knees. What had just happened? Did his Alexander really offer him another chance, decided to work on their relationship? It had to be a dream, an elaborate a nightmare, after which he would wake up in his cold bed, only a memory of the Shadowhunter in the loft, his ghost following him everywhere. It wouldn’t be the first time he woke up crying, clutching Alexander’s sweater in his hands, desperately trying to catch his scent.

He sat on his haunches and tried to calm his breathing, staring at the door, almost unseeing. So, it had really happened, his Alexander had really came here and helf his hand, telling him they would work on that. But what had happened after that? What made his brave Shadowhunter shake like that, his eyes widened in terror, looking like a caged animal. It hurt to remember that, and Magnus longed to wrap his arms around Alec, pull him close to his chest and tell him, that everything would be alright, that he would protect him.

But, that wasn't really true, wasn’t it? He didn’t have the right to say that anymore, not after all of his mistakes, after his actions causing Alec’s death. Another sob tore out of Magnus throat, and he didn’t even try to hide it, all alone in his big loft, Alexander’s presence fleeting and unnoticeable. His Shadowhunter had held himself tense all the time, as if prepared for an attack, and that hurt too. The warlock remembered how relaxed and happy Alec had been there, before this mess, before the lies and cruel, stupid decisions.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into the silent air, foolishly hoping that it would reach his Alexander, really let him know how deeply remorseful Magnus was.

He was prepared to do anything, anything really, to make it better. To make up for his actions and maybe slowly pull Alexander back to the place they had been before this, close and comfortable with each other, confident in their love. It had been so perfect really, and Magnus hated himself for being the one to truly ruin it. Their communication had been getting better, they could’ve talked about it, worked it out, but of course his anger and pride had to get better of him, causing the biggest tragedy to ever hit him. Alexander’s death.

Magnus sighed and slowly pulled himself up, dragging his exhausted body to the cold bed, even though it was only morning. But, Alexander was back, he had to be ready to do something, anything and he hadn’t properly slept in too long. He curled up on the bed and reached for his phone, sending a quick text, even though he wasn't sure why he did it. To his love.

_“Thank you. I love you.”_

He didn't want to think about how it was the first time he had ever said t first. Just before falling asleep, he glanced at the screen.

_✓ Read 7:02am_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? I told you that Alec will break and that time has come. It may be a bit sudden, but I think that he's that kind of person that pushes it away until shit explodes, and that's what happened there.
> 
> Also, what are your ideas for Alec dealing with his PTSD? And with the whole Magnus situation? Let me know what you think.  
> Love ya <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's sudden and soon, but I had a vision and I kinda wanted to make up for that month I took to update so... Enjoy?

Alec spent the next 2 hours doing his research on the whole PTSD, even though he’d really prefer to confront the Clave already and do something. His whole body was itching to move, and he finally had to let the wings out, after checking if he really was alone. Releasing them felt like letting go a breath he had been holding for too long, and his whole body relaxed a bit, shoulders losing their rigid tension. He glanced at the wings for a second, shimering and twitching, before turning back to the tablet, deep in the psychological aspect of PTSD.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but his phone was lying on the table next to him, muted, Magnus’ message left unanswered. His breathing had sped up when the text came, but thankfully it didn’t turn into another panic attack. Alec was already tired of his reactions, and while he knew that it was bound to happen, thinking about the longs months of recovery made him just plain angry. It was possible that he used anger to cover his fear and exhaustion, but it wasn’t the first time he used that technique.

When he heard steps coming towards him, only Alec’s sharp reflexes allowed him to hide his wings, even though he wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was just part of him, that he didn’t want to share with his siblings just yet, and while both Luke and Magnus had already seen them, he really counted on the heat of the battle making them forget them. He took a deep breath and turned towards Izzy, who was looking at him with wide, worried eyes.

Alec turned the tablet off and gave her his undivided attention, waiting for what she was about to say. He knew his sister enough to sense when there was something heavy on her mind, and Isabelle was practically vibrating with whatever it was plaguing her this time.  He raised an eyebrow and finally, she broke.

“Do you really think that talking with Magnus was a good idea?” she asked quickly and then continued before he could answer. “He killed you Alec, that’s not some lovers’ spat! He left you and then got you killed, you can’t just forgive him… He’s not good for you.”

Silence fell over the lab once again, and Alec was really glad that no other Shadowhunters were currently using it. It was private talk, about something that touched him deeply, and he took a deep breath, grounding himself with his parabatai bond, to stay in the moment.

“I want you happiness, I really do,” Isabelle assured, “But I don’t think that Magnus can be source of that anymore. He’s the cause of everything that you’re going through now, the panic attacks, the paranoia,  flashbacks. You shouldn’t have contacted him, Alec.”

“I had to,” he said quietly, not really looking at Isabelle. Alec knew that she wanted the best for him, but she just didn’t understand. Hell, he himself didn't understand it fully, he just knew that he couldn’t let go of that relationship.

“You didn’t! He’s not the only man out there, certainly not the only one who’d want to date you… You don’t have to settle for your killer.”

The last part she said quietly, but thanks to the echo, he heard her clearly and was stunned speechless for a moment. Then, Alec raised his head and looked her dead in the eyes.

“Don’t call him that,” he snapped sharply and she recoiled from him slightly. “Magnus did many things wrong and you can call him many names, but a killer isn’t one of them.”

Alec didn’t raise his voice, he never liked doing that, but his voice was sharp and demanding submission, an order to be carried out. Isabelle though she knew best, but she really didn’t, with all her knowledge and experience, she didn’t know better. It was his choice, his life and feelings. The situation was a giant mess, and yes, Magnus had fucked up and fucked up good, but he was also one of the best things that had happened to him, and Alec wasn’t about to lose that.

“He is, Alec, you just can’t see that, because you love him too much! Don’t let emotions cloud your judgement like that. It’s going to be a sick relationship, where he killed you out of anger, betrayed all of us and sided with the Seelie Queen. He doesn’t love you, Alec, maybe he never did.”

He stood up at that and just breathed for a moment, looking at his sister. She was looking at him with eyes both concerned and angry, something scared and small in them. Alec sighed and pulled Izzy into his arms, where she stood rigid for a moment, before just melting into his body, burrowing her head in his chest, ear against his heart. A sob tore through Isabelle’s throat and he just squeezed her tighter, whispering soothingly in her ear.

She was shaking and crying into his chest, and Alec tried to hold her together, falling apart himself, silent tears running down his face. It was so heartbreaking, seeing his strong and sure sister turned into a small, scared girl, longing for her big brother. Alec kissed her head, closing his eyes in shame. He had failed her, as her big brother, as the person who was supposed to protect her… Instead he had went to see Magnus, leaving his little sister alone. Again.

“I’m right here, Izzy, right here with you,” he whispered soothingly, and she squeezed him in response.

“But you weren’t,” Isabelle mumbled into his wet shirt making his heart clench once again. It was all true, he had been gone. “He took you away from me,” she hiccuped brokenly, and Alec just didn’t know how to respond to that.

Magnus had made a mistake, one terrible in consequences, not only for Alec but for those around him too. He knew that Jace was still a bit in pieces, always reaching out for him, always needing contact, more in tune with the archer than ever. His little sister was falling apart in his arms in the empty lab, her sobs echoing through the big room. All of that broke his heart all over again, and he’d rather relive his death thousands of times than see them so hurt, so lost.

In that moment, Alec hated the warlock a little, for hurting his siblings so badly, for making them suffer through his death. For leaving Jace with only half of a soul, the edges torn and bleeding, that phantom pain still echoing through their bond. For forcing Isabelle to face everything alone, without anyone to lean on, and while she was so strong, she sometimes was that little girl that had visited him during the night, to sleep in his bed.

He didn't want to, but some part just resented Magnus for causing all of that, even though it had been the Queen that killed him, forced his last breath out of his lungs. Magnus made that happen, but at the same time he didn't because it really wasn’t about the warlock, it was about Valentine and the power the Seelie Queen would gain. Alec felt as if there were two different parts of him, warring inside his mind. One that loved Magnus wholly and was willing to work with him. And the other, that just hated the warlock a bit, after seeing his siblings in pieces, seeing that grief and anger and sadness. It brought him to his knees.

He wasn’t sure how long it took for Isabelle to stop crying, but he just held her through all of that, stroking her back and whispering sometimes. By some miracle, no one interrupted them and he was able to slowly bring her back from her despair, take care of his little sister. Finally, she slowly started to lean away, looking down at the floor, tears still on her face.

Alec sighed and gently made Isabelle look at him, wiping the tears away and smiling at her without words. She returned the smile hesitantly and hugged him one more time before stepping away and walking away, in complete silence. He just stood there, his shirt wet from Isabelle’s tears, his own tears long dried, hands shaking a bit. That just added another worry, yet another angle that he could look at the situation from, and although it wasn’t exactly a bad thing, it complicated everything even more.

The archer steeled himself and left the lab, the tablet in his hand, already planning his another move. From what Jace had mentioned, Clary had been out to spend some time with Simon, to ‘make up for what happened’ but Alec didn’t care much about it. Clary’s absence was a blessing really, that girl just added to whatever mess was happening, so he took the lack of her in the Institute as a little miracle. He knew that she would return, especially since Luke and Raphael had to be talking about what had happened, and the thought came as a bit of a shock.

He had been so immersed in his own problems, along with his family and Magnus, that somehow the rest of the world faded. Alec was only glad that he snapped out of it, before something bad happened. His little talk with Isabelle stayed in his mind, but he just shoved it in the corner for the time being, as he had a Clave and his mother to talk to.

Jace texted him, informing that Maryse had called the Clave officials who were ready to listen to him, with an ‘open mind’ and Alec almost snorted at that. Clave and open minded? Yeah, as if. There was Lydia though, and he liked and respected the woman, who was also an excellent ally to have in his discussion with the Clave officials. His mother also helped, as hard as it was to believe that, and Alec had too many problems to worry if she was being sincere or not. He had talked to her a bit, and while they hadn’t resolved any of their issues, she was trying. That had to be enough.

Alec wasn’t sure when he walked that far, but suddenly he was standing in front of a closed door, with the Clave officials, Lydia and his mother in the other room. Jace was laning on the wall next to the door and sent him a warm smile as Alec walked closer, The blonde pulled him in for a quick, but tight hug, that the archer gladly reciprocated. They had another battle ahead of them, but this time Jace was walking right  next to him, just as it was supposed to be.  


 

* * *

 

Magnus was roused out of sleep around 1:30pm, by a phone call. He groaned but reached for his phone, looking at the screen. Raphael? Maybe it was something about Meliorn and the whole Seelie situation? It escaped his notice a bit, this morning, all because of his Alexander appearing in his loft.

He answered the call quickly, to be informed that Meliorn had woken up and was willing to talk to them. Luke was already on his way so Magnus quickly stood up and, for the first time since Alexander had died, did his makeup and made an effort to look dashing. Things weren’t okay, they weren’t even close to okay, but they were closer than they had been when Alexander had been death. And Magnus was prepared to do everything he could to show his Shadowhunter that he did deserve that second chance. He had to make an effort to save the most important thing in his world - Alec’s love for him.

Magnus looked himself over in the mirror, the concealer doing amazing job hiding the dark circles under his eyes, and created a portal to Hotel Dumort, where Raphael was already waiting, probably with Luke. He stepped through, walking into the dark, but tasteful lobby, instantly noticing the Alpha standing near the wall, apparently waiting for him. Magnus nodded at him, noticing how tense the werewolf still was around him and they both walked towards the medical wing, or the room that was made to give injured Meliorn a place to get better.

The Seelie Knight was sitting up when they entered, Raphael standing silently next to the bed, a tense atmosphere in the air. Magnus steeled himself and straightened his posture, looking every inch like the High Warlock of Brooklyn should look. The vampire sent him a nod and they stood in silence for a moment, looking at each other, when Meliorn finally broke it.

“I heard that the Shadowhunter you killed is alive,” he said almost teasingly, despite his injuries and exhaustion evident in those striking eyes.

Magnus clenched his teeth and took a deep breath, reminding himself that Seelies just took pleasure in making others suffer. He stepped closer and sat down on the chair gracefully, not letting the other man just how hurt and moved he was by his little comment.

“Yes, Alexander is alive, which works in our favor,” he said shortly, going straight to business, in hopes of distracting himself from the sharp pain he felt every time Alec’s name was mentioned. “If he’ll be made the Head again, good for us, since he’ll surely call for the next Cabinet Meeting. For now, we have to focus on what he have and know.”

Meliorn sighed but let the subject drop, at least for a moment. Magnus suspected that even the immortal Seelie Knight could see the seriousness of the situation, especially since he was the one to start the rebellion.

“We found out that she is working under Valentine’s command shortly after she killed that Shadowhunter. We are strong, but not strong enough to fight both you,” he motioned to all of them, “ and the Clave, which would inevitably attack. What she did, was bend the knee to some corrupted Shadowhunter, the worst of them all,” Meliorn almost spat in disgust and Magnus could understand that much. “No monarch does that, no monarch gives up his people for a moment of power. Valentine is crazy and he will destroy as all, along with other Downworlders. I am not ready to see that happen.”

Magnus mused over his words and let the silence fall for a moment. So, part of the Fairies went with Meliorn, saw the stupidness of the Queen’s actions, which was good, considering her army had shrunk. The smaller army Valentine had the better.

“What about the others rebellions?” asked Luke, always the pack person.

“They are in the Fairyland, which had been divided. She is no longer the Queen of it all.” There was a dark satisfaction in Meliorn’s tone and Magnus, once again, could relate. “They shall stay safe there, until I can return. Then, we will discuss our further actions.”

Raphael nodded, staying silent through the whole debate and then asked the question they all wanted to ask.

“What about the Shadowhunter and his sudden warlock powers? It makes him even more dangerous, especially if he’ll become the Head again. Too much power in the hands of a Nephilim.”

Magnus had hoped they could avoid that topic, because everything he said would be biased, since he loved that Shadowhunter more than anything. But before he could say anything, Luke beat him to it.

“I’d say that he’s the best Shadowhunter to have that power. He is actually trying to treat us as equals, forces the Clave to consider us in this war… He’s doing what no other Shadowhunter had ever done, and we need to notice that.”

The warlock looked at Luke in wonder, while both Raphael and Meliorn frowned.

“It shouldn’t be a big deal, that he treats us as _equals._ They are not better than us,” Meliorn snarled and the vampire just nodded, clearly getting angry. The werewolf sighed.

“They aren’t but that’s what they teach their children. It’s being repeated like a motto, over and over again, until the children start thinking that way too. It;s easy to convince them at young age, because kids don’t usually have their own beliefs and when your mommy and daddy tell you, that you are better than the nasty vampires and werewolves and warlocks over and over again… You start believing them, because they’re your parents and they’re always right.”

There was a deep pain but also experience in Luke’s voice, and in the short silence, they all realised, that in front of them stood a former Shadowhunter, Lucian Greymark.

“It’s a mind control from the earliest age, so powerful that most of them can’t escape it on their own, but there's no one to show them any other way, because, according to the Clave, there’s only one right way of thinking. Alec had spent 24 years listening to that bullshit, and as the oldest sibling? It had to be repeated to him by everyone, so that he would be a good Institute Head, dealing with us the proper way,” Luke snarled bitterly. “What he is doing? Fighting to make Shadowhunters treats us as equals, choosing Magnus on an _official Clave wedding,_ openly disagreeing with the Clave? He could be legally deruned for that.”

Magnus took a sharp breath at that, for it was never something he had wondered about. He had been so happy that Alexander was flourishing, that he had never thought about just how hard it was, and how much it could cost his lover. From Raphael’s and Meliorn’s faces he could tell, that neither did them.

“It’s not okay that him treating us as equals is a big thing, but that’s the world we live in, and that’s the world he had been _raised in._ Alec could lose everything he holds dear for doing what he’s doing, and while it shouldn’t be much, it is. It’s so much more in the Shadowhunter society, than any of you could imagine.

“Yes, I respect Alec a lot, because I had been forced to accept that the Downworlders aren’t worse than Shadowhunters, by becoming one of them. He? He’s doing that journey with only sheer determination and desire to change. I admire him a bit for that, and that’s why I think he’s the right person to do this job. It’s a giant responsibility, but if there’s anyone I’d put in that position, it’s Alec Lightwood, because he proved us, again and again, that he’s trying to make a change. He makes mistakes, it’s to be expected and he makes wrong choices, but he owns up to them and tries again, after apologising. I think it’s a lot, but maybe that’s only my opinion.”

 

* * *

 

Magnus was standing near the minibar and pouring himself whiskey, when someone knocked on the door. The meeting had ended in silence, all of them thinking over what Luke had said, clearly shaken. And Magnus had to admit, that the werewolf had shown him another perspective, something he had never thought about. He should have, as Alexander’s boyfriend, but he hadn’t and  that was another one of his mistakes.

He opened the door with a drink in hand, only slightly surprised to see Luke on the other side of the door. The warlock let him in and magicked another glass of whiskey straight into the Alpha’s hand. They both sat down, a mirror of that last time, before Magnus had went to the Queen. Luke looked at him intently, and the warlock knew that he could see the exhaustion in his shoulders, the pain in his eyes, yet the werewolf didn’t comment on that.

“You talked to him,” he stated more than asked and Magnus nodded, before it became apparent, that Luke expected him to say something more.

“He came to me, and we… We talked and we settled on something,” he said, being purposefully general, hoping that the other man wouldn’t comment, but of course, Luke wasn’t one to be easily discouraged.

“And something happened, unless you wouldn’t be looking like you wanted to die and smile at the same time,” the werewolf concluded, making Magnus huff.

“Yes, Lucian, it was all...Let’s say it was okay, before Alexander started to panic. I’m not really sure how to explain it, but he started to shake and I’m almost sure that he had a panic attack, only there wasn't anything that could trigger it,” he shrugged helplessly.

His heart ached, as he wanted to comfort the younger man, keep him in his arms at night and kiss him in the morning, but he didn’t deserve that. Magnus had to prove himself, _change,_ just like his Alexander had, without his notice.

“I suspected it would happen,” Luke sighed and Magnus’ head snapped to him, eyes questioning. “Alec died, Magnus, and we don;t know what exactly happened, but PTSD is to be expected, especially after such a traumatic experience,” the werewolf explained. “I had something similar, after that attack. It took me quite some time to stop panicking every time I saw a wolf or went into a dark forest.”

“I heard about it, something about soldiers coming back from war experiencing it,” Magnus hummed, and his heart clenched at the thought of his wonderful Alexander going through that on his own. He wanted to help, but it wasn’t his place.

“Something like that,” Luke agreed. “You have to know about it, because if you two are working on this whole mess… It’s not going to be easy for you, Magnus.

“I know. I don’t expect it to be. I don’t deserve things to be easy,” he sighed sadly, closing his eyes for a moment.

“Well, you did mess up big time,” the werewolf noticed, making Magnus glare sightly. “We all need to own up to our mistakes and change. It can never be just one side. No relationship works like that,” he said wisely, and the warlock had a feeling Luke wasn’t talking only about a romantic relationships.

 

* * *

 

Alec was almost sure he’d rather talk with the Archangels for the rest of his days, than ever go through this whole procedure with the Clave again. It had been hard to convince them, even with his powers, which caused more disturbance than anything, along with the new runes and his claims to have talked to Archangel Michael.

It had taken his, Jace’s, Lydia’s and his mother’s words and fight to make the Clave calm down and allow him to step back into his position as the Head. He had to agree to some tests held by the Silent Brothers, but it was his victory no matter what. Alec was exhausted as he sat in his office, Lydia having left only a minute ago. The Institute wasn’t silent by any means, it never was, but Alec relished in that, after spending time in that too-silent and still Heaven.

He put everything back into its place and sat on the desk, closing his eyes for a moment. The talk with Izzy stubbornly came back, and he sighed, torn. His sister did have a point, and some part of him agreed with her. Some part of him wanted to leave Magnus for good, too hurt and angry to give the warlock another chance, but another part of him wanted to fight.

Alec refused to act like his boyfriend and leave in anger, even though his anger was very much justified. He wasn't going to just forget and forgive Magnus everything, but he didn't want to lose the love of  his life, didn’t want to ruin that relationship. He loved the man too much for that, though that didn’t change the fact that Magnus had hurt him greatly, by being such a big part of his those mess. The Seelie Queen had manipulated the warlock, of course, but he _was_ angry at the warlock for not talking to him first, for going to their worst enemy, right next to Valentine.

He growled, frustrated and exited the office, taking a blanket with him. There was a place that he liked to go to think, one piece of the roof that was high enough to have an amazing view and flat enough to comfortably and safely lie there. Alec breathed in the night air and spread the blanket, lying on his back, eyes on the sky. He felt as if he was being pulled in two directions, two parts of him convincing him what to do with Magnus.

Isabelle’s words held some truth in them, no matter how much Alec hated that, because Magnus really did mess up big time. Yet, at the same time he could see himself slowly working towards forgiveness, if only the warlock would put himself into trying to gain it. It was all about what Magnus would do, but should he give him the chance after all? Was it really a good idea? Maybe Magnus really didn’t love him at all, maybe he grew bored…

But would he grieve like that if he didn’t love Alec? Would he be such a wreck that he couldn’t function if he had been just a distraction, a brief swing? Alec groaned again, frustrated at going nowhere, when he heard familiar steps and a warm sensation through the bond. He rolled to his side with a small smile and made space for Jace on the blanket.

His parabatai slid on the blanket next to him, lying half on top of Alec, snuggling up to him with a sheepish smile. The archer chuckled and wrapped one arm around Jace, turning his face back to the sky. He couldn’t really see stars, but it was calming anyway.

“I can feel your frustration,” the blonde finally quipped, voice a bit worried and Alec let out a breath, before telling him about his talk with Izzy, her accusations and advice.

Jace though for a moment, before Alec felt his determination and that gentle love that flew in the bond between them since he came back. He smiled involuntarily and squeezed him a bit.

“I’m really angry with Magnus too, and I don’t want to see him for some time, because I may punch him, and that’ll make you sad, but… I can feel your love for him, Alec,” he whispered and looked up at the archer. “I know how much he means to you and if what he had done didn’t destroy it, then that’s it for you. That being said, I’ll stand by you, no matter what you’ll choose,” he swore and Alec nodded, feeling tears swell in his eyes.

“Thanks,” he croaked out, with a rough smile.

“It’s your life, not ours, and yes, what he had done was just terrible, if you can learn to forgive him, and you two can work towards happiness together? That’s great and we have no say in it. You have put our needs before yours for far too long already.”

Alec smiled at him through the tears and just wrapped himself tighter around his parabatai, feeling their bond uling happily with warmth. The night fell around them, and he just breathed for most part, content with having his parabatai like a rock with him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really got its own life at some point and it's kinda long, but I don't think you're complaining. I tried to cover both Alec's feelings and the whole political mess and also Magnus interacting with others... I gotta say, trying to get a hold of this whole world is really had, and I know I forget about some things, but Jesus, it's a lot! It's amazing, but also overwhelming sometimes.  
> I'm really thankfull for all the comments and reminding me of the things I forgot about, so I hope you'll keep that up.  
> If you want to hit me up, I have  
> tumblr: https://notsexynerd.tumblr.com/ - it's a new shadowhunters side blog, so not very popular  
> kik: llthequeen if you're interested. Come and talk to me!  
> Love <3


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